Last week, I had some time off and spent it at home, doing things with June and Tom. Tom and I did lots of fitness classes (he has finally been successfully infected and now trains three times a week), slept long, took a long walk in the autumn woods, shared passion and moments of love.
June came on Monday evening and we ate raclette and biscuits and talked until one o’clock. I find it interesting to watch Tom from the side when he talks to June. His teeth look so cute from that angle when he laughs. When June left, I felt almost guilty for not being single.
Our walk in the woods was on Wednesday and the weather was warm and dry and sunny, and everything was golden. It was like this all week, thankfully. I met Tom at his University building and we had lunch in the cafeteria, which reminded me of almost two years ago when we ate there around Christmas. Then we rode up the hill and walked my usual running route through the woods, coming out on the Sun Mountain. Afterwards, we were very tired and I could have fallen asleep, but had to get ready for ballet class. There was a moment on the way home from class when I was thinking of Tom and how much I loved him and was looking forward to slipping into bed beside him. There was a warm, glowing feeling in my chest and suddenly, the thought struck me: I love Tom more than anybody else! Startled, I examined the thought and found it to be true. Even though we have only known each other for some two years, I love him more than Mother, Sissy, June and all the rest. When we were finally in bed in the dark, I told him, ‘You are my favourite person in the world.’ Tom said he felt the same about me and then we kissed and told each other, ‘I love you,’ and held each other very close. This realisation was a really special moment for me. Another step closer in our relationship.
On Sunday, Tom’s mother and sister were to visit and I spent the entire weekend preparing for it, shopping, cleaning, tidying and looking forward anxiously to making a good impression. A few hours before they were to arrive, they had to cancel because Tom’s sister suddenly got very ill with a contagious virus. I was so disappointed because I had been thinking about and planning this dinner for weeks. But Tom came early and we decided to have a nice evening for ourselves, playing a card game, then cooking together and eating in the living room where I had set up the table. We drank a glass of Champagne and later there was some passion and we fell asleep happily.
In retrospect, I realised that I had probably looked forward to ‘showing off’ a little too much, wanting to show the guests my pretty flat, my style, my cooking skills, my cat and my good neighbourhood and wanting to be admired and liked. Maybe it’s a symptom of my deeply-rooted feeling of inferiority that I want to appear as perfect as possible… Dead end, Aliénor.