Papa had rented a van, to get rid of old furniture. It was parked in front of the house. It was Sunday and I was tense/embarrassed because of it.
Mam was pregnant and wanted to give birth at home. The child was to be named Irena and something else she only wanted to decide when she saw the baby.
Many people were sitting around a table. Grandma was there, too. An old man was happily telling stories from his younger days.
I heard Nit shouting through the ceiling: Now I have bought a new table? For a guest(s) and then they don’t come! Maybe they were with us.
I looked into the mirror and saw that my middle lower front teeth were fractured. Broken off at the level of the gums. The pieces were in my mouth and I took them out and wanted to preserve them. I felt a little pain. I was dismayed to have broken teeth and was wondering whether I would need a bridge or if they might be stuck on again.
Day 11: I bought rice milk yesterday and ate it with cereal and as cocoa. It was ok, although it doesn’t taste like milk when drunk pure. It is too sweet and watery and malty.
I had some cravings for cold meat and smoked salmon, but when I eat olives they disappear pretty quickly. It helps to know this is only a temporary thing. And olives are cold and salty and ‘wet’ like meat, so they kind of fill the same need.
Otherwise I feel good without meat. My digestion is good, except when I overeat, which happens too often these days.
Yesterday I went to class. I felt heavy and tense again most of the time. I think it is because I have gained a few kilos recently. I really want to be thin to dance better. EVERYTHING would improve if I was lighter: alignment, extension, demi-pointe, balance, I could jump and start pointework. I am so frustrated and hate my fatness and with it myself. I know this is bad, but I can’t help it.
It is all connected: My lack of self-discipline makes me feel bad, which makes me eat, which makes me feel bad etc etc.
I just feel like I CAN’T work. I feel so bad while I study, so I don’t. “Self-discipline is the ability to take action regardless of how you feel”, said S.P.? Last summer I wanted to learn that, but didn’t. Now, this year, I still can’t study, exercise or get up at a reasonable time. This ruins my self-esteem and makes me do things that are counterproductive.
Why can’t I get up when the alarm goes off?
I feel tired and getting up feels hard. Sleeping on feels luxurious.
I am reminded of days when I had to get up and do something difficult/uncomfortable.
I think of the work I have ahead of me and get bad feelings. Sleeping is nice, so I sleep on.
Why can’t I study for a few hours every day?
I feel like I need to do something else that can’t wait
I feel stupid and slow, like it doesn’t make a difference whether I study or not, I will not learn anything anyway
I think of my future and my fears while studying, and of the things I ought to know but have forgotten