After a week of strong longing, wanting, desire, unrest, self-doubt and changes, I told myself that I love me tonight. At midnight. I stood in front of the oven, my lips were wet from drinking water. I saw the reflection of my chin and lips in the glass. I found them beautiful and desirable, I wanted to kiss myself. In the bathroom I did, I kissed my own reflection on the lips, as I would kiss my lover if one was here, eyes closed and all. Then I held that feeling of love inside me, and looked myself in the eyes and told me that I love me.
It was a significant moment for me. I really felt loved, like I had always imagined I would feel if somebody told me he loved me. I got tears in my eyes. And I really felt love, like in my daydreams when I told someone I loved him.
I was the lover and the beloved.
A few days ago I had changed my mind. Before, I had always felt I didn’t want a lover yet, after that period where I sort of had a crush on Dan. Now I wanted a lover. Watching Star Wars was the beginning, on my birthday. Ewan McGregor on screen has so much that I want in a partner.
In the last few weeks I had felt a growing love for me. But even though I felt the change and tried to, I could never look myself in the eyes and mean it. Never. Until tonight.
After the moment, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and liked everything I saw. I found myself beautiful. “I am seeing myself through the eyes of love” I thought. This is the way my lover will see me.
I have been watching more films with Ewan and tried to make a list of all his traits I love. While before there was only longing for such a man, there is now hope. I can attract the perfect mate. And I will. Now that I love myself, truly love myself, I will attract love into my life. Tonight was a big, important step. A quantum leap.
I feel calm and hopeful.