A Moment of Truth

Last night I stayed up again, surfing the internet. I was looking for pictures and info about C. B. It’s ridiculous, really pathetic, that I, a grown-up and mature woman, am so drawn to this character. The feeling is the same as with the Elf stories and Brian: longing for something, compassion, shedding tears, allurement.

This series is for superficial teenagers! I don’t even dare to admit to my sisters that I watch it! And I used to always rail against it, how superficial it was, how materialistic, ridiculous etc.

But somehow, I fall for such things. Beautiful young people in beautiful clothes in beautiful luxury environments who love, hate, hurt and make up with each other.

The story is really bad sometimes. But C and the whole B thing is interesting. I noticed that it’s very similar to B and J: they are meant for each other.

But what I actually wanted to say: I was looking for the music from the scene at the C where C wants to dance with B. I like the music. When I had found it and was listening to it, I suddenly burst into tears. I felt so lonely. I was longing so much for a friend or lover (even female). I was listening to the song, crying, and trying to caress and comfort myself a little. Even if it hurt, at that moment I was finally conscious, finally ‘with me’ and no longer in denial. It is a nice pain, a sweet pain. Like being in love, which for me has always been unfulfilled wishes. Just that I didn’t long for a certain person, but for human love in general.

I put on Charlene’s necklace then, maybe it was sentimental but it made me feel less alone. I left the mood light on and the door open, and went to bed. Somehow I felt comforted. It was just a little awkward when Papa walked by and asked me what I was doing.

This morning I got up early and made bagels. Then I watched ballet and almost fell asleep, so that after breakfast I went to bed for a few more hours. This afternoon Sina and I want to clean out the fridge. Tonight I have ballet.

(This entry was translated from German. I tried to stay as close to the original as possible, so it might sound a little strange.)

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Love, Moment, Music. Bookmark the permalink.

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