Dawn and Sweet Pain

At six o’clock in the morning, when I had finished reading and saw dawn was breaking, I went outside and up the hill. Up there I looked around and enjoyed the silence and the atmosphere. I wanted to do an arabesque on the hilltop, and just then a runner came running up the hill and saw me. It was ok for me, like that it didn’t go to waste. Then I climbed a little down the cliff, so I was no longer visible from the road, and sat down on the edge of a rock. The sun was just rising.
I opened my chakras and meditated and tried to make contact with my higher self. Unfortunately, I got distracted quite a bit by mosquitoes who bit me countless times, and by the beautiful view. The cloud above the horizon first turned pink and then gold while the sun was slowly rising. I think I briefly had contact, but I didn’t trust my perceptions enough. HS approved of my wanting to become a D or at least continue at the moment. When the mosquito bites got too bad I went back, after having internalised the beauty of the scenery once more.

I went straight to bed and slept till ten, when Mam woke me. By no means did I want to let my family know I had stayed up this long because they would be criticising and teasing me constantly.
Later, in the water, I told Sina.
After breakfast I reread the ending of the book, as a cover and also because I wanted to reread it. I am so sorry for Snape! Unhappily in love, hated by the good people even though he is good, called a coward even though he is a hero, complicit in the death of his true love… Oh, it is just sad-beautiful. I have been thinking for a long time that he was actually good. I am almost embarrassed to feel so strongly again with a book I always talk down.

At noon we went to the beach. This time only Sina and I.
Afterwards, we went to town. First to that rock, Pizzomunno. There we took many photos. I wanted to be on photos, too, but was sad because nobody asked me and because I found myself ugly. I again didn’t dare to do an arabesque on the wall. This time I didn’t even dare to stand on the wall! Diane did a nice arabesque.
Nevertheless, I wanted my photo, so I asked Mam to take my picture in front of the rock, first normally and then in croisé devant par terre. The picture turned out horribly, I looked fat and my shirt looked like a sack, the pose was not visible. That got me down incredibly, I almost cried. The whole make-up thing, the positive thinking, the smart bag, it was all just pretense. I was ugly and fat and negative and nobody wanted to have me on their photo.

Later it town, this mood haunted me. Mam wanted to look at clothes and Sina at jewelry. I saw pretty things, but I couldn’t buy them because I was ugly. I was unhappy. But I hid it, and as much as it hurt, somehow it was a ‘sweet pain’.

At a café with an outside tv screen we saw there would be a football game today, with Inter. I wanted to know how it ended.

We ate at the restaurant ‘Box 19’ in V, which had been recommended to us by Tino. I had seafood risotto and it was the best thing I have tasted since we’ve been here. I thought it was perfectly seasonded and perfectly measured. We drank too much wine, which tasted light and tingled, so that Papa wouldn’t drink too much. I drank two glasses and immediately felt drunk. I really felt dizzy. I went immediately to bed.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Family, Moment, Travel. Bookmark the permalink.

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