I did not write anymore for a long time, not just on the blog, but also in my journal.
For a time, I was feeling bad, afraid, depressed, unconscious. I fought with my negative thinking habits.
My feet were hurting in ballet, overuse I think. It just seemed so HARD. Ballet felt unnatural, the posture and turnout a distortion. Why was I dancing, if there was no joy anymore? I stopped.
Told my teachers I had to heal my injuries, had knee pain. While before I had been on ballet blogs and forums every day, drinking in the knowledge, I now was bored by them. It worried me a little. Where had all my passion gone? I didn’t dance for two months. I never missed it. There was just this mild curiosity when or if it would return, my inner dancer. I did some strength work on the Power Plate, some cardio on the stationary bike, and stretching, of course. Flexibility was too nice to lose.
I don’t remember how my appetite for ballet returned, but it returned. I took easy classes again, then added more and more. During my obligatory Summer break at work I even took a week-long intensive. Over four hours a day, that was intense. But also wonderful! My achilles tendons complained, but with ice and creams it was manageable. And I have been training more intensely since those weeks, losing weight, and seeing some progress. Less fear in pirouettes, more freedom of movement. I would so love to jump, and learn pointe. But I need to wait until my weight is safe.
After trying to change my beliefs about food, which didn’t really work because those principles have been hammered into my head from my youth, I tried a new approach. Abraham said, and it makes sense to me, that the food was not what made us fat, but the thought about the food. That is why different people can have the same diet and yet see radically different results. So, I said to myself: Why not try to eat more things I believe are going to make me thin. No strict rules, just follow your emotions. So I tried it and it has become sort of a habit. The more I think this food or that food will make me thin or even just be NOT HARMFUL, the better I feel eating it and the better it makes my body feel. Recently, I saw a number on the scale I had not seen for eight years. My face is prettier, my leg goes higher, my feet feel stronger, I have energy, I have a waist! It’s wonderful. I don’t punish myself, I don’t go hungry, I eat cake and cheese and butter and chocolate and fast food. But I also try to eat more good protein, whole grain, “alive” things. I drink rivers of water, it flows through me and keeps my thoughts and movements fluid.
The better it gets, the better it gets. My life is going well in other areas, as well. I enjoy my job, feel more secure. I rediscovered my harp and began making music. I got an iPod and have been listening to beautiful music. I had a beautiful summer, with biking and swimming and dancing and dreaming. I got a light tan which becomes me well, my hair curls around my face like silk. I got pearls and perfumes and adorn and adore myself. I filled my soul with the sound of the sea, the beauty of the stars and the sunrise. I discovered my thoughts, in times when I wasn’t online reading other’s thoughts. I read books again, good books that inspire me and enrich everything. Creativity is waking up inside me. The people from stories I used to make up in my head have come back, and my mind is overflowing with lovely prospects for new stories. Love and tenderness are part of these stories, and while they are not yet part of my own reality, I am happy to wait. I imagine how wonderful it will be, the first true love. It will come, everything good will come to me in time.