I never expected this. Once again, I have underestimated my sisters. I was excited about the blog and mentioned it several times, and I teased them when we were arguing, saying (jokingly) that I was writing bad things about them. But I didn’t think they would really look for it, and if they did, I was sure they wouldn’t find it. Stupidly I had overlooked their names in a few places when I first published some old journal entries. They had been changed in the meantime, but Google had “read” the old ones, and so they found me.
Damn. It came out of nowhere, I had just come home from class yesterday. Mama confronted me. At first I couldn’t believe it, I thought it was a joke.
They had read the post called Sisters, and while it was unkind and rant-y, it was nowhere near as bad as Mama let on. Yes, I should have written “plain” instead of “rather ugly” in describing Dinah’s face, it would sound nicer. She says that about herself all the time, by the way. And I should have left out the b-word. But I was furious and had to “write it out”. As for Sissy’s weight gain, she told me herself that she was afraid to weigh herself and that her clothes no longer fit her. I hadn’t even noticed before.
Mama acted as though I had put up names, addresses and nude photos of my sisters together with my rant. Well, I did NOT. I would NEVER do such a thing, not to my greatest enemy. There is a difference in ranting about people so that everybody knows who they are, like on facebook, and ranting anonymously, even though the whole world COULD read it. That’s what I was doing. The blog was never meant for family and friends, or people who know me personally. I wanted to put my thoughts “out there”, yes, but anonymously. If I had wanted to tell those things to my family, I would have done so. I didn’t. They are my thoughts, and strangers may read them, but not people who know me.
At first, I felt guilty because, if somebody who knew us very well and searched specifically for some names and places like my sisters did, they COULD have found the blog, too. But the longer I think about it, the more I am convinced that I am the wronged one. After all, there were only a few negative points about my sisters to be read here, versus half my soul.
I feel violated. Threatened.
I had felt safe. I must have felt safe to put those things online. Because if I had really wanted them to read it, I wouldn’t feel so naked and embarrassed now. Those things I wrote were not for the eyes of people who DISLIKE me, like my sisters. Now my enemies have read my secret thoughts, had a glimpse into several private rooms of my soul. Good, beautiful thoughts, mean and hateful ones, tender, private ones… all ruined by unfriendly eyes.
I was STUPID. Stupid to let slip so much, stupid to think they didn’t care.They always seem so brainless, lying in front of the TV apathetically. I let myself be fooled.
I dread going home, seeing them.
I can’t speak to them. There is nothing left to say.
My whole family has turned against me, and through their glasses, they can’t see my reality. I tried to explain to Mama last night, she didn’t see.
I really wish they could see THIS post. Would they understand? No.
Let’s face it, we are not the same. I am apart from them.