Did something spontaneous

I am sitting in a lecture, writing on paper. We are having a day of further training. It will take the whole day, till six. That’s not very enjoyable. But the good thing is that I didn’t have to get up so early, I got up at twenty past six instead of six. And I guess it won’t be as stressful as my normal work, and interesting, too. In the afternoon, we will have to do practical work. But during lectures, I can write and think and do lots of foot exercises!

Yesterday, I joined Weight Watchers. It was a spontaneous decision. My boss had suggested it, and after hearing about it repeatedly lately, I visited their website out of curiosity. My colleague Judy said she was interested, too. I saw they had a meeting that day, and called asking whether I could come and try it out. They said yes, and so, after a scramble to make it, I attended a meeting. What struck me most: They want money. Everything costs money, meetings, food, books, gadgets. Fancy names for things. In the meeting, I got a strong feeling of judgement, self-denial, suffocation, sacrifice. Fat is bad, veggies veggies veggies. Most women seem to crave sweets and snack all the time. What they spoke about was mostly repetition for me, repetition of stupid so-called facts. Well, I don’t believe them.

Why did I join anyway? Because I want to lose weight as fast as possible (while still at a healthy rate) and I think some of their things can help me, especially the community spirit. But I noticed that I was annoyed or bored, and felt bad most of the time. Not just because of what was said, but because I felt like another person. I was the fattest woman there. I felt like they were all thinking I had been stuffing myself while watching TV like a lazy blob, until I had enough and joined WW. I hated this image of myself. I don’t normally see myself that way, as an ‘obese person’. I know I am still fat, but I lost twelve kilos since last December. I have been feeling lighter and prettier than I have felt in a long time. I am a dancer, I am active, I train every day. But at WW, nobody knew. All they saw was my size. And I felt reduced to just my size, and hated it. I am so much more!

I wrote before how I changed my strategy about food this summer, going with my ingrained beliefs even though I don’t think they are generally true. And I have been successful, because I was sure I would lose weight if I ate less calories than I used. That’s LoA in action. But the WW points are a whole other matter. They are not calories. Everything with fat or low fibre content is “bad”. Theoretically, you could eat it, but then you can’t eat anything else for the rest of the day. This is absurd. I feel trapped and a little stressed. This morning, I ate a normal, healthy breakfast. My calorie app said it was ok, my WW booklet said it wasn’t. I ate whole grain bread so I won’t be hungry so fast. But according to WW I have to eat some horribly chewy, sour moist black bread or they punish me with lots of points even though it’s whole grain! That’s stupid, I’m not going with that. If I can’t eat what I like, I won’t last. I’ll feel stressed and controlled, and then I’ll binge. I want to eat “healthy” but I won’t be forced! I’ll show them that I can lose lots of weight by eating fat and protein!

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
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