In the Depths of Despair… but wait!

Today in class, everything felt so difficult and unnatural. Turnout, stretching my knees and feet, keeping my back straight and flat, pulling up, everything seemed like a struggle. In the beginning, I tried to recapture my new-found confidence, to make my movements as beautiful as they felt. A few of the stronger ‘girls’ were there, among them a beautiful blonde with perfect posture and a wonderful figure, and Smiley. We came to pirouettes. The music was endless, and I was getting tired. I tried and tried again, but only got round once. The other times I stuck to the floor or fell out of the turn, or both. In between I had to stop and rest a little, but we all did. But the others, the good girls, all got around, and their turns looked like pirouettes. Franca, our teacher, praised the class all the time, saying we had made progress, we were doing so well.

That was when I fell into the ‘depths of despair’, to quote Anne Shirley. I felt like I would never be able to dance. The others did jumps later, which I’m not allowed to do. Instead of marking the jumps as always, I just sat down in a corner and stretched and then watched. I didn’t want to try anymore. Cool Blondie even did beats. She just naturally looks balletic because of her straight, flat upper back. Smiley has wonderful bounce, a lovely natural jump and deep plié. Compared to them, I felt horrible. What use was my ‘love and feeling for dance’ if I couldn’t do the most basic steps correctly and everything looked ugly? The worse it gets, the worse it gets. Law of attraction. Bad thoughts went through my head:

‘I am just a weak, stiff, crooked, ugly fat blob with no line and no lightness and no turnout and no anything. Trying to dance is just ridiculous and I should just quit or go to elementary class.’

I wanted to cry once I would be alone, but then my stubbornness saved me and I thought: I’ll show them, I’ll show them all! Once I am thin and my body has the capacity for more training, I’ll have the cleanest technique, the loveliest expression, all shall want to watch me all day long. It would be different if they were more advanced, but I have been dancing longer and more than most of them. I think. It’s just my stupid ffffing body!

I toyed with the idea of going to McDonald’s and buying twenty chicken nuggets. But immediately, I knew I wouldn’t be able to enjoy them. If I eat out of frustration and self-hatred now, I feel so extremely bad during and after that I just don’t do it anymore. Better to “write it out” and take some action. What can I do?

(‘No Light, No Light’ by Florence + the Machine is playing)

Go home. Eat well. Work tomorrow. Go home and work on the stationary bike. Go back on Wednesday and do my best. I am not the best dancer. But not the worst, either. I had a bad day. Felt stiff and weak and noticed every imperfection. Had no energy, got discouraged and frustrated and jealous and sad.

(‘Seven Devils’ playing)

Persistence. I have heard many stories, seen many people with wonderful bodies simply quit or not work with all their might. I will just stick with it. I’ll keep showing up for class. I’ll progress, however slowly. I will make it. I will turn doubles and triples, en pointe. I will achieve beautiful épaulement. Just wait.

PS: This Post by Johanna seemed to run along the same line. http://pointetilyoudrop.blogspot.ch/2012/10/change-is-good.html

Maybe this slump is part of the next step? If only I had a teacher like hers, though!

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Health, Law of Attraction, Music. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to In the Depths of Despair… but wait!

  1. wartica says:

    That is the best attitude to have; keep going strong, even if it’s a little slower than you expected:))

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