Infra – no longer

Last Thursday, Mrs. H said she saw a huge difference in me. She showed me a little drawing I had made, from a few years ago. It showed a computer screen and a book, and a huge dark cloud coming out of them, with lots of swirls and unrecognisable shapes. How I remember that feeling, that cloud of constant thoughts in my head, all whirling around uncontrollably, unstoppable except by moments of strong emotion or deep sadness. And she told me: ‘Do you remember how you always had to fight so hard to stay conscious, to notice your own thoughts, your body, your emotions? I think you have taken a huge step. I believe you are conscious most of the time now. You have surfaced.’

Yes, I have. I don’t know when or how exactly it started. Maybe this spring, when I read the Emily books again and an appreciation of the beauty of nature was re-awakened within me. It is too easy to not see it when you live in the city. Maybe this summer in the ballet workshop, when suddenly everything came together and I felt like I was not only really dancing, but I was one with the music for a few brief moments. Maybe when I listened to my favourite songs again after a long time, and music suddenly didn’t hurt anymore, but lifted me up to the sky. Maybe the moment of lying on the cliff looking up at the ‘innumerable stars’. Maybe all together, combined with my new positive expectations. I can’t say.

But I think it was music first. I fully opened myself to music. And it filled me and is overflowing, looking for a way out, and the best way I know is movement. Dance. Sometimes the only way to bear the unspeakable beauty of music is to cry or to dance. Music moves me. And everything changed.

I now feel this wellspring of beauty and joy and love inside me. Sometimes strongly, sometimes nothing more than a whisper. But I need to go back to it often, now that I have found it, and give it an outlet. I want to BE it, I want to dance it. This wish is stronger than at other times when I believed I had a strong motive, stronger than any desperate, self-hating moment of torment, when I used to tell myself I WANTED so much to be thin and loved; or any peaceful moment of self-acceptance and hope, when I used to tell myself that it was ok and everything would come in time. This is something that almost feels as if it came from beyond me, THROUGH me. And it makes all the efforts worthwhile. I don’t want to become thin and a good dancer for my own glory, not primarily. I feel like I NEED to, like there is no other option. Because otherwise I will burst with the tension between the beauty inside me and the ugliness on the outside, or go back to unconsciousness and depression, back below the surface.


I was listening to Max Richter’s Infra while writing the last part of this, and felt half in a trance. Many of those thoughts have never occurred to me before.

This is very strange.

And the whole ‘surface – infra’ thing was a coincidence, too. A fitting one. (I just chose this music to write by because somebody on twitter had said it was beautiful.)

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Love, Milestone, Moment, Music. Bookmark the permalink.

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