So, it’s Christmas. And I should be feeling happy and relaxed, but I don’t. I had intended to write a nice post about Christmas with a picture of our Christmas tree, and that would be it. But that would be lying. I spent the weekend in class or tidying up my room or preparing various things. On Saturday, we had a long family talk, working out some issues that would have ruined Christmas, but now it’s ok. Yesterday, I wrapped the gifts (and made it a lovely experience. It’s my favourite Christmas activity apart from unwrapping gifts) and took a last class with Mandy. A very good class, where we learned a new turn she called emboité which felt like floating. Then we visited Grandmother for tea. That was ok, if a little stressful. She was very happy that we all came, and we brought a lovely cake and gifts and made a nice meal. It was hard seeing her so changed, getting so frail and tired and confused when once she had been our dear, hardworking grandmother. I did enjoy driving through the countryside, though. It’s been months since I last left the city, and seeing green and grey hills, a huge sky and bare trees was calming and refreshing. I love the country so much, but you have to have priorities.
Anyway, we drove home again and quickly prepared dinner. Our traditional Christmas dinner is smoked salmon, toast and whipped horseradish cream, so it didn’t take long. I lit the candles on the Christmas tree and we sat down to eat. Then came the distribution of presents. Everybody took their turn getting the presents from under the tree and giving them to the recipients. We all watched as Dad unwrapped a pair of dumbbells (hint hint), Mam got a musical Christmas tree ornament, Dinah got a Ukulele and Sissy got curl formers, among many other things. My sisters gave me a glass swan Christmas ornament with another subscription for Pointe Magazine, and my parents gave me my lovely golden duvet cover. Unfortunately, it hasn’t arrived yet, so while I was grateful, there was also some sadness. I had imagined going to bed on Christmas eve and snuggling down into my luxurious down duvet covered in pale golden and white leaves, with snow falling outside. Sigh.
But I found I couldn’t. I had to count what I ate. I couldn’t bear the thought of having no control. I couln’t overeat. I had a small piece of cake for tea. After dinner, I had two Christmas biscuits/cookies, and then suddenly there was a craving for lots more. But I waited, and it went away. It makes me happy that I didn’t overeat, but it makes me sad that I am so obsessed about food now. This morning, again, I planned in advance what I was going to eat, and I made sure I got enough protein. I can’t just enjoy food anymore, I am too… I don’t know. All I know is I get tense after eating something until it is written down, and if I have no idea what’s in it or how much it weighs, it makes me nervous. That’s really unhealthy! But I don’t want to stop, I want to see the numbers on the scale drop, and I want to feel strong and light more than anything. Two months ago I couldn’t resist cravings, and now I regularly am. I am feeling compelled to, sometimes, as if it wasn’t me doing those things. I just don’t know myself like this.
Well, I wanted to write about my strange mood, and after much rambling, here it is: There are things I want to do that I can’t, like dance or work out, because I have been dancing every day for a week and I really need to take a break for my sore foot. Rest is just as important as training to get stronger, and I know it in my head. The heart is another thing. Then there are things that I could or even should do, like knit, play the harp, sew, read, do my nails, that I just don’t feel like doing. So basically, I am bored and impatient and spoiled. In a way. Writing helps, and I plan to write a lot these days. There are still entries from my journal this summer that need to be typed and uploaded, and even some from last summer in Brittany. There are lots of topics for posts that I wanted to write once I had more time. Well, that would be now. But I can’t just write when I have time. I need to feel inspired to write, for sentences and images to flock to me. Otherwise, my English is really choppy and stiff, more so than usual. Even in German, I write much better when I am ‘in the flow’. But I must admit, trying to put my strange disquiet into words has already helped a lot. Look out for more posts soon, if you want to hear me talk about myself some more…