What should I write about? Food? It’s hard. Since my ‘fall’ into old habits, (eating what I wanted while I was ill and feeling sad) going back feels stressful. Eating white bread, my absolute favorite ‘unhealthy’ thing, or pudding, or chocolates just felt so COMFORTING. Combined with sitting around, wrapped in a blanket, doing nothing, of course. But it is over, I’m through with sitting there, feeling the world go on without me. I’m not saying everything is back to the way it was these last few months. I have changed, after all. The passion is there, the will to dance. And with it the will to lose weight. But the need for comfort, for quiet hours, for rest cannot be ignored. If I ignore it and force myself to be ‘there’ all the time, to never miss class, never indulge, never feel down, I’ll break down again soon. In some way, my mind and body will tell me to rest and replenish.
At the moment, I have to decide every day what I need more: passion or rest? Since my return from Lausanne, passion has won every day. I go to class. I eat less, and healthier. Now, I just have to find some form of deep comfort and relaxation that doesn’t involve food. Thinking back over the last few months, with their massive changes, I can’t find many times when I needed this sort of comfort. I was so happy, excited, inspired, determined, and it just kept me going. I did indeed ‘Advance, and never halt’. Now, everything seems paler than before. As if I had emerged from a tunnel into the sunlight and couldn’t see the colours as brightly as before. I don’t know whether it will come back as strongly as before. I want it to.
What I have noticed is that I don’t listen to music anymore. Since my illness, I’m a little afraid of it. Of what it does to me. Maybe I just need to force myself, plug in the iPod and bear the pain and weep; burst my little dam to free myself. Maybe, if music means so much to me, it can fill the place of food. Give me comfort, but in a different way. Maybe what music does is lift me above all tension and stress, while food just numbs it. I’ll do it soon, when I find the courage.