At the moment, I am in a strange mood. One minute I’m depressed and indifferent, the next minute I’m angry and impatient. I have been feeling a little sick, too. Stomach pains and lack of appetite. On Easter Monday, I was so frustrated in class that I just left after only stretching one side. This is unheard of for me! I ALWAYS stretch after class, even if there is little time. But I just didn’t care. There have been many moments of just not caring this week. People tell me things and they just leave me totally cold. It is as if I had cling film around my heart. Nothing gets to me. I’m just… bleh. On the other hand, I feel very sad and lonely, yet I push everybody away. My parents, for instance, when they try to be nice. Last week, I wrote about detachment, and now I really feel detached. The only time I felt normal was last night in class. I forgot everything else and only when I got home did the dejection return. This isn’t me, it feels as if my brain is playing tricks on me. I think it’s hormone-related. I don’t know what it is, but I want it to go away. And I can’t wait to move out!
Now on to ballet: Last night, I managed to finish showering sooner than normal, so I could watch my classmates in the last few combinations of our pointe class. Well, it’s not really a class, only half an hour at the end of our normal class. It struck me that they have made progress, they were doing glissades and assemblés in the centre. But oh, how horrible they look! Nobody was really on their boxes, knees and ankles weren’t stretched, they were turned in mostly and I don’t want to mention the arms… The woman with the worst feet has the best technique, actually, because she watches lots of ballets and knows how it should look. The others looked awkward at best and ‘terrible Youtube pointe video’ at worst. I am really concerned, sometimes. If the pointe classes and advanced (upper intermediate, rather) classes look so bad, isn’t the teacher to blame? I know we’re adults with less than perfect bodies and attendance, but still. Why doesn’t she correct more? Why does she let some people go en pointe when all they have is flexible feet? Why don’t the students SEE how they look and try to work harder? I just don’t understand. Don’t they have ambition? I know we can’t really look like professionals, but we can at least aspire to it. Maybe I’m extreme. Maybe they don’t know or don’t believe they can do better. Maybe they think that as long as Franca doesn’t correct them, they are doing well. But I don’t want to be like that!
On the way home, I kept thinking about pointe and technique and artistry, and it struck me that I am actually GLAD that my weight kept me from going en pointe too soon. If I was thin, I would probably be one of the others, happily and ignorantly hopping around en pointe once a week, or possibly giving up like some of them because it wasn’t fun any more. I am learning so much at the moment, with Mandy and Belinda and just getting a greater understanding of what ballet really is, and how hard it really is. My feet are improving all the time. All this will help me. If, no, WHEN I reach a normal BMI and can go en pointe, I hope to be able to get up all the way on my boxes, progress faster and maybe after some time make it look like dance. I do worry about finding shoes, though. My feet are very weirdly shaped, wide, with the first three toes the same length (but short) and then a very pronounced taper. My little toe joints stick out, while my big toes are straight. Basically, half my foot is square and half my foot is tapered. I’m afraid I will sickle in every shoe. But really, there’s no use worrying about it yet. I just wanted to say that yes, I am in some way grateful that I started ballet at 300 pounds. Starting jumps and pointe later, when I have a solid foundation, can control my turnout, my back and my feet, will prevent many problems and mistakes you tend to make in the beginning.
Oh, I am so looking forward to jumping! I’m going to start really slowly, just a few sautés at the barre in first position, every day. Then more, in second, in fifth, then changements, échappés, assemblés, sissonnes. Oh, pas de chat and sissonne tombée-assemblé and temps de cuisse will feel lovely, I am sure. I already love marking them. Only 26 Kilos (57 pounds) to go! I can’t believe I’m over half way there. Yay!