Lame Ramblings

Dear Readers

After my last post – the dreaded weight loss-oh-god-I-actually-put-pictures-of-myself-on-the-internet post – I felt a little nervous. But your response was so positive and heart-warming that I was completely overwhelmed. Thank you, every one of you!

Since that post, I have finally managed to shift my view of myself. I no longer think of myself as ‘fat’, but as ‘a little fat’. Until now, even when I felt ‘thin’ in my mind, I still had my old, huge body somewhere in my self-image. I knew rationally that I was smaller, but the old size seemed to hover around me like a shell. It affected my confidence and my interactions with people, without my being aware of it. Now that is finally gone (or at least I hope so)! I feel now like a much more normal person who just happens to still have some excess fat on her, and not like a grotesquely fat person. I am noticeably more confident, for example talking to guys at work or meeting people’s eyes on the street. Mother told me that I no longer stick out in a crowd, and now I can feel it. I am ‘normally overweight’ now. It’s a wonderful, new feeling!

Work began again this week after a three-week holiday. I was dreading it during the weekend, but now it feels as if I had never been away. I don’t want to write about it, as it is not something I really like. What it does, however, is make losing weight easy. I don’t have time to overeat, and I don’t like to work feeling full, so I stick to my plan. I bring my lunch and afternoon snack, and I have breakfast at home and another snack after class. In this way, I eat 1200-1500 calories, at least during the week. If only the scale would reflect this! But I haven’t lost in over a week. I KNOW I must be losing fat, eating as little and dancing as much as I do. The scale will catch up. I’m confident. It’s easy when I am myself. What I dread are the times when I am no longer myself, when I feel depressed and want to overeat. I don’t even want to think about it.

The weather is a little cooler, which is nice. What isn’t nice is the fact that the days are noticeably shorter. I wouldn’t mind winter so much if there was LIGHT. But having to turn on the light when I get up or leaving the studio in the dark are things that make my heart sink. I dread winter. We had a very cold and rainy spring, and I was constantly freezing. What will I do when it is REALLY cold? What do thin people do in the winter? I’ll have to buy a very warm coat. But they are expensive.

It’s weird: Up until two or three years ago, I hated summer with a passion and loved cold and grey weather. Summer meant sweating a lot at work or as soon as I moved, feeling awkward in too warm clothes while all the others wore shorts and dresses, and generally feeling overwhelmed. Something changed, somewhere. Now summer means sunlight and green hills and blue lakes, ballet intensives and swimming and chirping crickets at night, joy and energy. Not if it’s too hot, but we generally have cool summers. I also love spring very much, maybe more than summer because of all the anticipation and hope in the air, and the lovely twilight. And I like autumn, I guess. I used to love it: the crisp air, the fog, the melancholy atmosphere. Now I feel mostly regret and apprehension in autumn, and I have to work to find its beauty. Last autumn was wonderful, though: Even though the whole thing about my sisters finding my blog happened, I mostly felt inspired and driven, awake and alive. I was losing weight for the first time in my life and I felt supported and nourished by my ballet teachers, and there was this great passion growing in my soul. I don’t remember feeling melancholy because of the fading light or anything like that.

I keep thinking of our holiday in Italy last year. It was right around this time. There was one moment that I want to remember to the end of my days. One day soon, I’ll write about it.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Family, Health and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Lame Ramblings

  1. The Dancing Rider says:

    Love this entry. You are an amazing person. Also, I really enjoyed seeing the progression in the photos you posted. GOOD FOR YOU! Just doing that reflects change. The portrayal of the seasons reflects another change in you.

    Will be looking foward to your entry about Italy. 🙂

  2. RO says:

    You’re doing so well! Can’t wait to read about your post about Italy.. it’s such a beautiful country, I visit it every year!! Andeh, it’s probably smart to buy yourself a nice warm coat!! It can be cold out there without a little bit of extra extra to keep you warm, haha!

    • annalienor says:

      Thanks for commenting. I agree about Italy! But France and especially Brittany is my favourite so far.
      And yes, there is certainly some built-in insulation missing now!

  3. Thanks for stopping by and liking my post on Forgiveness! That is actually a very near and dear post to me and I read it whenever I get frustrated with myself and try to remember to practice what I preach. 🙂

    • annalienor says:

      Thank YOU for visiting my blog. It brought me to your blog and while I was browsing I came upon that post. I think it’s essential to love yourself no matter how you look (but it’s hard work sometimes).
      For me, it has been impossible to lose weight before I finally managed to accept myself and start loving myself a little, get my foot in the door so to speak. It changed the whole perspective of weight loss: I was no longer fighting the ‘bad’ aspect of my body, but doing something good for myself because I was worth it. And suddenly, it worked.
      It’s easy to get frustrated, however. Just like you, I sometimes have to remind myself.

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