A Deep Breath

I’m feeling very special at the moment. It’s a beautifully sunny, warm Sunday afternoon. I’m in a sort of stirred-up mood, I feel like flying, like rising out of my body. Inspired, excited, spring-y, ‘elvish’, quietly joyful, at peace with myself, I don’t know how to describe it accurately. Ludovico Einaudi’s music is playing and the golden sunlight is vanishing slowly. The wish to write, to communicate with the world, has been bubbling inside me for days.

On Thursday night, I had a ‘moment’, a crisis, that changed my point of view or my focus or something. That day had been very stressful at work and I arrived quite late for ballet class and couldn’t concentrate, and Mandy chose that night to give us fast, unfamiliar exercises, so that all my confidence vanished and it took all my willpower to get through class without crying. I’d been noticing worrying patterns of thought all day that wouldn’t leave and a general misery that just got so strong I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Something had to change. On the way home, looking up at a glorious sky full of stars, I chose to listen to that piece of music I only listen to in such moments, Enya’s O come Emmanuel. Ever since that night in Italy, that life-changing moment, recreating it has a special meaning for me, reminding me of who I really am: an eternal being and a part of the high beauty in the world. I still cried a little when I got home, but the frustration and negativity were already gone and I felt a new lightness and calm I had been missing for a long time.

If I truly want to become all that I was meant to be, I need to listen to myself more. For a long time, after a phase of growth and expansion, gradually, so that I didn’t notice it at first, I have been going back to worrying what others might think of me. I modified my behaviour to make others think well of me, or at least to seem ‘normal’ and non-threatening. I’m making myself less of a person, just because I can’t bear the idea that somebody might not like me. I’m a coward and am running away from becoming a whole, real person. I might be non-threatening and invisible like this, but I’m also boring and repressed and frankly don’t like myself this way. So yes, it’s scary putting myself ‘out there’ for everybody to see (and maybe dislike or criticize) but I want and need to do it. This also includes writing again, and writing what I want to say, not what I imagine people want to read. Spring is coming, the world is renewing itself and I feel a strong desire to do the same.

A Breath of Fresh Air. Spring is coming!

A breath of fresh air. Spring is coming!

So yes. My life continues. Work, ballet classes, dieting, the occasional chat with June or other people from ballet. Very busy and pretty lonely. Dinah still hates me, although I can go home for dinner again once per month (she stays in her room while I’m there). I dreamed of her last night, dreamed that we talked and sort of made it up and were going to see each other again. It made me sad and I realized that I truly miss her. I’m determined to improve in ballet. I’m also determined to lose more weight. It would make jumping easier (I’m doing changements and échappés now and just started assemblés, although I can’t get high enough off the floor in those yet) and help with closing all those battements. By the way, Franca told me I have a natural jump. I can’t quite believe it, but it would be wonderful! I’m almost back to my lowest weight now, in the 180s where I was in October. Yesterday, I had one cheat meal that I’d been looking forward to all week and then went right back to tracking and eating healthy food. In the present mood, weight loss is easier. The more tension there is inside me, the more worries, stress, self-consciousness, the more I want to eat. Yet I want to be free of this weight, I want to be light, I want to be ‘pure’ in the sense that there is nothing on me or in me that is unnecessary or hides my true self. This includes fat, but also fears and negative beliefs. No idea how far this is achievable, but that’s what I want.

Yesterday and today, we had class with the Gorgeous French Teacher. She corrected my back and pelvis quite a lot. I have made such progress last year with placement and lift-off, but lately Mandy and GFT have started correcting me on this even more. It seems that no matter how pulled-up you think you are, you can always pull up more. Also, staying on the front of the foot while keeping the front of the hip very straight is something I’m only now beginning to feel and to learn how to do. Tendus have never been so difficult! The upper back is another area I need to work on. I used to think it was ‘fixed’ after lots of corrections and work, but there is now a new level of flatness to strive for… And the arms in second position, too. Lots of things to think about. It’s these small things that have to be right to allow improvement in the big things. If I could use my back more and pull up through the inner thighs (and spot twice), I could do double turns. If I had more strength in my torso, I’d have higher legs and could move faster. GFT really showed me that I still move too much in my upper body when we do battements, which slows me down. If I had thinner legs, it would be easier but it won’t solve everything. A combination of weight loss and technique is what’s needed to improve.

It’s not all sweat and toil, however. There have been wonderful moments of uninhibited balancés and pas de valse en tournant and series of fast (for me) and effortless piqués, moments full of the joy of moving through space, carried by music. What I noticed as well is that I often have the ability to do things but don’t use it (or hold back) because I feel shy or think it’s enough, or I’m too lazy. When I really want to impress a teacher or a teacher has very high expectations, I notice that I work a lot harder and actually do better. Now, I need to do this ALL THE TIME. Even in Franca’s basic beginner class where I feel really shy and don’t want to be the show-off. Though frankly, it does give my ego a boost when I’m the best in a class. But that’s not the reason I take basic classes; I do it to improve my basic technique. And I never lose sight of the fact that measured by professional standards, I’m still at a low intermediate level (and a total beginner at jumping). If I’d wanted to do something for my ego, I shouldn’t have chosen a very difficult art form that my body is absolutely not made for. The problem is that my SOUL seems to be made for it.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Dreams, Family, Friends, Health, Law of Attraction, Milestone, Moment, Music and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to A Deep Breath

  1. I am so glad you’re coming back to writing! I’ve missed your posts!

  2. RO says:

    I was pretty lost for words after your entry. You have described the way I have been feeling for the past two weeks SPOT ON. Maybe it’s the air, spring is coming? I don’t know. But what I do know is that you are on the right track again. Please write, laugh, cry, do whatever makes you feel good- better. We are all rooting for you, even though you might not realise. I really hope you can keep this level of energy up and make the best out of it. You deserve it!

  3. The Dancing Rider says:

    Beautiful writing and expression. I love your entries, and I support you! 🙂

  4. The Dancing Rider says:

    Oh, and I have missed your entries a great deal! So happy you are writing!

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