Tuesday Musings

I think I’m addicted to tours piqués (en dedans). They feel like flying and I don’t have to try hard anymore, they just happen. Except for spotting and speed, but oh well… It will come. They’re just so much fun! MOVING is so much fun, it almost gives me a feeling of ecstasy. That’s why I wish I could turn multiple pirouettes and do big jumps: more motion! My spirit flies with the music and the body is longing to follow.

Jumps are slowly improving: I can remember to point my feet and move my arms at the same time now. But assemblés are still only a ridiculous, earthbound hop. I’m too heavy and weak to really jump, and it’s embarrassing. Belinda gave us a combination with temps levés last Saturday and I only marked them. If I can’t get into the air in assemblé, I thought, I certainly won’t make it on one foot. And I was worried about the one-footed landing: it takes a lot of control do land safely. After class she told me to at least try a tiny hop next time. Then I was alone in the studio and tried it and – I flew! Well, it felt like it: light and effortless. I haven’t tried temps levé for years and was once more surprised by my own lightness. Of course, I didn’t get high up into the air, it was only a hop. And oh, I certainly bent the working leg in arabesque and didn’t keep square, but it was such a surprise! I felt like in one of my ballet dreams: weightless and strong and free.

And yesterday I FINALLY managed a decent fouetté. I don’t mean the black swan ones, I mean this step which Franca calls fouetté and Mandy calls rotation: Lift one leg to the front at the barre, plié, relevé and turn the body so you arrive in arabesque facing the other direction. This is so hard to do! We’ve been doing them for weeks and I always fell out of them before. Maybe it was pure luck, but it was a great feeling.

Generally, I’ve been feeling weird lately. I feel a strong longing for something, and I can never tell for what exactly. Part of it is happiness, expressiveness (is that a word?), freedom, beauty. Part of it is love. I long to love somebody and have somebody love me. I want to really experience all these emotions I only ever dreamed or read about. More than a year ago, I wrote a long post about love with the conclusion that I didn’t feel ready for it yet. I don’t know if I’m ready now… Part of me longs for it. Part of me is afraid of it and wants to keep things as they are: my flat, my routine, my cat, my ballet classes, my time alone with myself, my freedom and peace of mind, my innocence. I can’t really say I’m ready… But I still long for it at the moment. It has to be the awakening of spring, of my dreamy spring mood that always stirs me at this time of year. And lately, I have had moments of really liking myself, of seeing a beauty about me that I never knew before. ‘Hey, look at me!’, I seem to think, ‘I’m beautiful! I’m worthy of love!’ And then I long for people to be there, to see my beauty, to love me, to confirm this new image.

And then I write things like this and it just sounds selfish and conceited and ridiculous. Part of me wants to erase it all. But I’m not going to! It’s true and it’s nothing shameful. It’s the way we are supposed to feel about ourselves! We are all beautiful and worthy of love, ALL of us.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Dreams, Love, Moment and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Tuesday Musings

  1. The Dancing Rider says:

    So exciting, and thrilled for you. And I’m so happy you are writing again.

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