Oh, I’m going to be so sore tomorrow… This morning, instead of the usual, difficult class with GFT, we did floor barre for 90 minutes. I have a beginner floor barre DVD I did once or twice and years ago took classes a few times, but it was never so intense as today. It also showed me clearly that one side of my body is weaker but is more flexible than the other. And I had lots of trouble keeping the pelvis still. It went into a slight swayback, which means the abdominals are too weak. GFT corrected me a lot on ‘le dos!, le dos!’ Not just the lower back, but also the upper. Many things to work on.
June came for a visit on Friday. We talked about ballet and about Mandy and plans for the future. It was relaxed and cosy. I made bread dough and did the washing while she was there and was brave enough to ask her to leave after midnight. June told me to just throw her out when I wanted to go to bed. She tends to just stay and stay, and while it is fun having her and talking, it really disrupts the whole week if I stay up half the night. She gained some weight and is trying to lose it again. I tried to give her tips and gave her a Weight Watchers booklet. She hasn’t much weight to lose, only a few kilos. She unfortunately has no idea how to cook, not even things like spaghetti, so she eats a lot of fast food or sweets. What I find weird or inexplicable is the fact that she wants to dance, professionally if possible, but doesn’t want to look like a dancer. She finds them too thin and unwomanly without curves. Yes, some are too thin and look unhealthy. But generally I find a dancer’s body beautiful and wish I could look like that, flat chest and all.
June played on the harp a little and said how beautiful it looked. I showed her how to pluck the strings and played a few arpeggio chords and was struck once again by the wonderful feeling of making beautiful sounds, feeling the vibrations of it through the harp. Yesterday at twilight I played a little. If I had the discipline and patience to practice from time to time, it would go better. But I struggled my way haltingly through a very simple piece and then gave up because my back hurt. Somehow it isn’t the same as ballet. In ballet, I have the discipline to do the necessary work to improve. But I remember that before I took the plunge and started classes, it was exactly the same: I wanted to practice on my own but frustration and fear of failure blocked me most of the time. And now I almost never practice at home, even though there is a wonderful barre in the middle of my room. I notice too many mistakes and weaknesses and get so angry at myself that I give up. In class, it’s very different.
I lost some more weight this week and noticed that my figure is now much more harmonious than before. It went through an extreme ‘pear’ state for some time, but now the bottom half has slimmed down a little and it isn’t so bad. I can’t wait to take the next set of progress pictures. Only two kilos to go before I’m no longer obese. This week, I ate too much on Friday and Saturday, but was very good today. The ‘pointe shoe pot’ is waiting for the next note and I’m already looking at pictures of leotards. The adventure into uncharted territory FINALLY continues now that I’m lighter than I ever was before, and it is a wonderful feeling. Sometimes I am angry with myself for letting myself get so depressed and negative in autumn and giving up and gaining weight. Just imagine where I could be now if I had behaved differently. But it can’t be changed and maybe this ‘break’ was necessary, maybe it was the only way to go. Weight loss was easy for some time, but it isn’t anymore. It’s doable at the moment, which makes me very happy, but you never know. This saying always helps me when I start comparing what is to what might have been, not just with weight loss but with ballet and love and life in general: