I’m stuck. I’m stuck in every way: in ballet, in weight loss, in relationships, at work. But most of all I’m stuck in my mind, I am unhappy and constantly worrying and my confidence is gone.
I talked to Mrs. H this morning and realized that this back-and-forth with dieting and overeating, with feeling thin and feeling fat is only a symptom of my stuck-ness. What I feel I should do and part of me wants to do, i.e. losing more weight and becoming a ‘normal’ person, opening myself to other people (especially men), going out into the world and showing myself as I am, are things that scare me and that part of me is running away from. Overeating is nothing but running away from all the pressure I put on myself. That’s why it is so relaxing. But it is no solution, because I have to pay for it afterwards with regret and low self-esteem.
I want to be happy. I want to feel secure and full of energy, alive and positive. But I can’t get there at the moment. And I blame myself for my unhappiness, adding this reproach to all the others.
I am the problem. Nobody else is putting pressure on me, neither in ballet nor at work (mostly) nor regarding weight loss or relationships. It is all in my mind. All I have to do is relax and try to think positive thoughts. And that is so extremely hard at the moment.
Oh, I can’t even explain it! And I can’t go back and be as happy and carefree as I was two years ago, either.
I am afraid, afraid, afraid. Afraid of feeling stressed and overwhelmed, afraid of making a fool of myself, afraid of other people’s judgement (or my own projected judgement, rather). I am so afraid that I feel paralyzed. And time flies by me and instead of living and making progress, I am stuck in my fear. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
Maybe realizing it and writing it down, even if it is more painful than denial, is the first step in the right direction.