Stuck

I’m stuck. I’m stuck in every way: in ballet, in weight loss, in relationships, at work. But most of all I’m stuck in my mind, I am unhappy and constantly worrying and my confidence is gone.

I talked to Mrs. H this morning and realized that this back-and-forth with dieting and overeating, with feeling thin and feeling fat is only a symptom of my stuck-ness. What I feel I should do and part of me wants to do, i.e. losing more weight and becoming a ‘normal’ person, opening myself to other people (especially men), going out into the world and showing myself as I am, are things that scare me and that part of me is running away from. Overeating is nothing but running away from all the pressure I put on myself. That’s why it is so relaxing. But it is no solution, because I have to pay for it afterwards with regret and low self-esteem.

I want to be happy. I want to feel secure and full of energy, alive and positive. But I can’t get there at the moment. And I blame myself for my unhappiness, adding this reproach to all the others.

I am the problem. Nobody else is putting pressure on me, neither in ballet nor at work (mostly) nor regarding weight loss or relationships. It is all in my mind. All I have to do is relax and try to think positive thoughts. And that is so extremely hard at the moment.

Oh, I can’t even explain it! And I can’t go back and be as happy and carefree as I was two years ago, either.

I am afraid, afraid, afraid. Afraid of feeling stressed and overwhelmed, afraid of making a fool of myself, afraid of other people’s judgement (or my own projected judgement, rather). I am so afraid that I feel paralyzed. And time flies by me and instead of living and making progress, I am stuck in my fear. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

Maybe realizing it and writing it down, even if it is more painful than denial, is the first step in the right direction.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Health, Law of Attraction, Love and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Stuck

  1. The Dancing Rider says:

    Having the endless tape playing is usually not fun. If there is a way to be in the moment, and “do”, rather than think it could be helpful. So unsure as to if you could do this, or blank at how to suggest that you do it. Still, I know in my heart it’s one of the keys. Hang in there. You are a beautiful human being, and this transcends weight, whether we are in a relationship, fear — all of it. Hugs.

  2. RO says:

    Like you said, the first step towards acceptance and advancing is acknowledging the problem. Maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there for you who can guide you? I know it’s YOUR thing in the end, you are the only one that can help yourself, but maybe there is someone who can help you through when times get tough. Keep your eyes on the prize, everybody here is rooting for you and we just want you to feel happy..!
    Hugs and kisses.

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