I’m feeling a little better, although I seem to have lost my passion for ballet at the moment. I still go to class and work hard, but all I see are faults and things I can’t do and no progress. Ever since Franca said she thought I wasn’t improving because of my weight, I have been feeling discouraged on one hand and very determined to lose weight on the other. Last weekend I didn’t overeat but ate a little more than during the week, cooking nice meals and really concentrating on the taste of what I was eating. And I tried to focus on feeling thin on the inside. It was very hard for a few moments and I almost gave in several times, but didn’t. Progress has been slow, but today I was 81 kg (under 179 lb.), a new all time low. Unfortunately, the fat seems to come from my upper body, which is already much leaner than my lower half. I did a cambré before the mirror in the bathroom and there were visible ribs on my chest AND sides. My hips and thighs are still huge in contrast. But I wanted to focus on the positives: I tried on a dress and a skirt while shopping today and I looked pretty in them. They emphasized my waist and hid the parts that are largest. Maybe I will be brave enough to wear a dress soon. I would love to wear skirts and dresses and nice shoes and look feminine. My feet and ankles looked nice, too, with visible bones and tendons, and my calf muscles showed. I feel taller, too. A friend measured me today and said I was almost 1.67 m. I didn’t really believe her because I was always 1.65 (5’5”). It must be the improved posture from ballet. My upper back has lost its little hump and when I try hard I can flatten it pretty well. It took a lot of work because years of sitting and studying and doing things hunched over had already begun to deform me. I must have been deliberately working on it for almost two years now. I always thought I was short and fat and sort of ‘coarsely built’, with fat fingers and a short thick neck, short limbs and altoghether not at all how I wanted to be. Now I find that underneath I am actually quite nicely and delicately built, the fat was only hiding it, and I’m not really short either. No, I will never be a petite or model-like person, but I’m not like my aunt Lala, either (I loved her but never wanted to look like her).
Part of me wants to take a diet break on the weekend and part of me wants to keep going. I’ll decide later and try to feel good about my choice, whatever it is. With eating a little more on the weekends and the occasional cheat day once or twice a month, I should be able to keep up the dieting and lose the rest of the weight. When I have a normal BMI, I will hopefully be able to maintain it. Maybe I’ll lose more, maybe not, we’ll see. There are 13 kg to go. And I am NOT going to give up ballet, not yet. I’ll keep working and trying to find the joy again. It has always come back so far. I’m not doing it for the teachers or for anybody but myself, and even if nobody believes in me, I will keep working and improving. Sometimes, adversity brings out my stubbornness and makes me try harder. But I’ll try not to judge and hate myself any longer when I am tired and unmotivated for a few days. You can’t always give 100%.
GFT said last week that I was intelligent and took corrections on quickly and that she liked teaching me for that reason. I wish she taught more often. She is the only one who seems to teach comprehensively, not just focusing on one aspect like Franca or Mandy. I fear that I am getting bad habits in their classes, especially with port de bras and head movements. If only I could be brave enough to film myself, I could work on it on my own. But my great fear is that it will look so horrible that I’ll be discouraged and never set foot in a ballet studio again. No, I’ll have to do it. I have an old, old video of me at almost 300 pounds doing fondus and développés at the barre. I could watch that first and then do the same combination and compare.
Oh, I took new weight loss progress pictures! Here they are:
And because I just realized that I never posted a photo of my cat: