This is it. Tomorrow evening, we will leave for the lovely place I call Pyne, in Valais. It is one of my favorite places on earth and I have been looking forward to it for months. Though this year, Dinah won’t come with Tippy (because of me) and the family we usually live with there can’t come either, so it will be different. In part I always loved ‘showing myself’ to them, or showing off if you will, in a small way. Last year was especially nice because of the huge weight loss. I wanted everybody to see. This year when I heard they couldn’t make it, I was very disappointed. And not because I like them so much, but because they wouldn’t be there to see me. I don’t like this about myself to be honest, but it’s the truth. My self-esteem gets a boost when others acknowledge good things about me and it makes me feel good, so naturally, I want praise and admiration. This should actually be coming from within myself, not from others outside me. But it is as it is for now. I wanted to talk about something else actually.
Ok, I’ve been preparing myself for those three days by writing a list of things to pack, good food to eat and things to do. But I have noticed that I have been preparing myself from the inside as well. I have been actively looking for beauty around me and trying to be awake and conscious and ‘pure’, because Pyne is almost a spiritual experience for me. It is such a short, sweet burst of memories and nature and atmosphere and heightened awareness. I am almost sad about having to leave there again before we started. I wrote a long post about it last year and said the same thing there. I love it so much there, a part of me is always there. And when I arrive, I have to start saying goodbye almost immediately to make it bearable. A part of that is certainly the fact that I haven’t been away from home for a year. I haven’t packed and gone somewhere and had the experience of travel. It is ok. I chose to spend my money on ballet classes. And I love my flat and my neighbourhood. But once in a while I wish I could leave and go on holiday.
This year, it will only be my parents and I. I told them in January that I wanted to go to Pyne this year and that Dinah had to make up her mind to come or stay at home, but that it was her problem if she didn’t want to see me. I would not give up Pyne for her. So she chose to stay at home. She actually said to Mother that she would have come if the other family could have made it. This surprised all of us. She hasn’t seen me or spoken to me for a whole year. To decide to spend three days with me, sleeping in the same tiny room and being together all day struck me as a huge step. But she said that the other family would have been a kind of buffer between us. A part of me is relieved that she won’t come because I am a little afraid of seeing her again. I used to have dreams where I went home and she was there and looked at me, and I tried to make myself look fatter to make her hate me less. I remember the horrible feeling of knowing that I was making her miserable and not being able to do anything about it. There are tears in my eyes even now, thinking about it. I want to meet her, to get to know her again, but I’m nervous and afraid. There is nothing more horrible for me than to know that somebody hates me or thinks bad things about me. Just as there is almost nothing better than to be liked or praised.
I have been feeling sad regarding my family lately. No contact with Dinah. Occasional text messages or e-mails with Sissy, and I meet her when I go home for dinner every few weeks or when she visits her friend. My parents take me out to dinner almost every week, but I don’t tell them as much as I used to. I used to be close to Mother and tell her almost everything, but now I worry about adding to their worries and hold back. I want to appear stronger and more independent than I feel. I have tried off and on to be open about the situation with Dinah and tell them that I want to come home more and that I miss my family. All it achieved was making them feel sorry for me and guilty for not being able to change anything. So I stopped and withdrew again. It’s no use. They love me and want me to come home, but they love Dinah too and when Dinah is feeling stressed about it, they will tell me to stay away. This happened last weekend. I wanted to go home for a Sunday breakfast, but then Dinah had a bad time and they said it was impossible and I should come for coffee in the afternoon. The feeling of rejection hurt me, but I didn’t tell them. I said it was ok, but that I didn’t want to come at all that day.
I do understand their point. But I wonder if they are helping Dinah by letting her have her own way. It’s not my problem, there’s nothing I can do about it. I just withdraw and try to go somewhere else. I write about it and talk about it to Mrs. H. Even if Dinah eventually loses her weird dislike or fear of me and I can go home whenever I feel like it, it will never be like it was before. It will never be like I imagined it. It hurts, but it’s true.
Anyway. I’m looking forward to Pyne, to beauty all around, to dancing in the chalet (and maybe have my parents watch me and notice my improvement), to lovely breakfasts as of old, to being alone in the mountains, by the brook or on the meadow that I love, and look across the valley. Last year I imagined I would have reached my goal weight and have a boyfriend by now. For a time, I felt like a failure because I am still far from these goals. But there is no need. I have made lots of progress nonetheless. In ballet (‘you really looked like a dancer’, Belinda said), in weight loss (17 kg less than last year), in my job (I am doing better), even in relationships (a little). The rest will come, too.
Last night after class I got off the tram at the square where the big circus is and watched the animals through the fence. There was an elegant rider on a black horse preparing to enter the tent and more beautiful horses being led in. There was the music and the smell and magical atmosphere. I wished I could go in and see the show again. There were also dark clouds hurrying over the lake and the city, and a cool west wind. I was at peace and very aware of my surroundings. It was a nice moment. I want to experience moments like this more often.