Just a Few Tired Words

I can’t write well tonight.

I love my own big, soft, luxurious bed.

I was there in Pyne, sitting on the bench, or on the pebbly steps, or on a rock beside the brook. I was really there, not just in my daydreams. It seems unreal. The time went by too quickly as always. I want to go back there.

I realized that I am unhappy and have lost the ability to truly relax and enjoy. There were only very short moments of it and they took a lot of work. I am full of fears and doubts and regrets and self-consciousness instead of the lightness, hope and joy of last year. I don’t like myself, I think I’m not good enough, not successful and confident enough, not worldly enough, not popular and wealthy and experienced enough.
But i did relax in spite of it. I slept a lot and had vivid dreams and let myself detach from work and my everyday mindset a little bit. And I saw my reflection in unfamiliar mirrors and window panes and thought I looked pretty and quite thin many times. I drove through wild and mountainous landscapes and tried to fill myself with their freedom and beauty and to let my mind-fog blow away. It worked to some extent, although I again felt that it wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t relaxing enough, not conscious and aware enough, not thinking pure enough thoughts. I need to get over these extreme expectations of myself. I will NEVER fulfill them all and they make me miserable.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Health, Moment, My Flat, Travel and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Just a Few Tired Words

  1. The Dancing Rider says:

    As unhappy as you may feel, I must say somethign which I hope brings you a smile. Your writing is just lovely. While of course I would like reading that you were happy more than you were not, still, it is written so very well. It compels one to read! Hang in there. We’ve all got something which tears us down, so remember you are not alone.

  2. blubb says:

    All I want to say: I can´t relax “not enough”. I get what you mean, but don´t be hard on yourself because you weren´t as relaxed as you would have hoped.
    I think you inspire many people with you blog, and also I think you are really brave to share all these private thoughts with strangers. That´s quite worldly (taking it literally) if you ask me, and you should be proud of that!

    • blubb says:

      sorry, I meant to write you cannot not relax enough…

      • annalienor says:

        I KNOW! That’s why these expectations are unrealistic.
        This blog used to be my private diary before I decided to make everything public, to have everything in one place. I didn’t expect to have many readers. Some posts (like this one) are very crude, diary-type pieces where I just write down some thoughts I want to ‘keep’. Others are more blog-y. I’m sure it breaks all the blogging rules – there must be blogging rules – but the goal was never to have a successful or ‘nice’ blog.
        And being anonymous makes it MUCH easier to be honest.

  3. blubb says:

    still, I think you should be proud of yourself (I know it´s hard) for having the courage to reveal your inner thoughts in an honest manner. And you create your blogging rules for your own blog!

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