I am in an unusual frame of mind and have been like this for the past two weeks at least.
I will never be able to write a good, coherent blog post about it, so I have decided to just write down the things I want to preserve spontaneously, diary-style. There have been many very eloquent sentences coming to my mind during this time. Maybe I can manage to reproduce a few.
I am different than before. I think different thoughts, I crave different music and listen to it all the time, I wear different clothes, I feel drawn to different topics and colours. I dream of finding somebody, of getting close to somebody. Yes, it is still scary. But maybe I’m ready now. I just turned 29. It’s not that I think I should, because of my age. I want to. It’s time. There has never been anybody.
I found a poem and there were a few lines in it that I fell in love with even though they are actually sad. It’s by Richard Siken. I hung it up so I see it every day.
Every morning another chapter where the hero shifts
from one foot to the other. Every morning the same big
and little words all spelling out desire, all spelling out
You will be alone always and then you will die.
Something has shifted. For some time I didn’t know what it was, but then it dawned on me: I actually like myself. That’s the reason I suddenly want people to notice me, to like me. I want to be SEEN. I want to be loved, admired, adored. I want others to validate what I think about myself at the moment: I am beautiful. I am interesting. I am lovable and could be loving if there were somebody.
Oh, this makes me sound vain. I don’t want to be vain. But it is truly how I feel right now.
I haven’t eaten more than 2000 calories per day since my birthday. It’s easy, relaxing. All the doubts and ups and downs about food and weight loss are completely gone. People start telling me I look thinner again. I can fit into size 42 trousers and can wrap my old cardigan twice around myself. I am getting visible cheekbones and ribs on my chest. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of my reflection and find myself utterly beautiful. Dark, intense eyes, lovely lips. Slender fingers. Dark hair that curls softly and falls over pale collar bones. Never mind the nose, the thighs, the deflated skin I hate. There is more beauty now than ever before. My body matches my soul more than ever before. It is beginning to reflect how I truly am. I am turning inside out.
I am feeling so alive, full of that nameless longing I have often mentioned. That longing to fly, to dance, to express. I am full of something that needs to find a way out, to find others and connect with them. Ballet class is an outlet and I’m braver there, earning more praise. But it isn’t enough. I often go to the swing on the playground at twilight and swing as high as possible, feeling the air rushing against me, looking up at the sky, trying to fly. It helps a little, but not enough.
But actually, that feeling of unfulfilled longing is a good thing. I can use it, feed it, let it build up. It is pure inspiration. I am happier than I have been for a long time, strangely, even when I feel lonely. It’s the fact that I can actually feel my emotions. It makes life interesting.