Some Thoughts On A Rainy Evening

I’m feeling very lonely. 

It’s raining now and I went for a stroll earlier. I seem to take a lot of evening walks lately. To the swing, of course. But tonight not even the simulated flying helped much. 

I’ve been looking at myself from the outside for the last few days, like at a heroine in a sad film. Heroes in sad films are usually beautiful and lonely and think that nobody loves them. But because it is a film we do see them and that’s the whole beauty of it. So this game has helped a little. But a part of me is laughing at myself. I’ve been lonely for too long and it has lost its tragic charm. Film-like meetings don’t happen. If I want people in my life, I need to go out and look for them. Interact with them. That seems so impossible sometimes. I can’t even manage to lift my eyes when I walk by strangers. I’ve been trying.

It is a sweet sadness, though. Slow and soft for the most part. I can only indulge in it now because I have time and peace of mind, and I’m grateful for those. A part of me is enjoying it. It makes me feel alive to actually feel something. I wrote the same sentence before, but it’s still true.

I half wish I was in love, even unhappily, because that would make the emotion stronger. At the moment it is just a blank, general loneliness. But if I was, I’m sure I would wish for peace again. I’ve had a few small crushes and even those were torture. So, be careful for what you wish.

I’ve also been trying to imagine a happy love affair, but it gets boring very quickly. I’m not even sure I want this anymore. Better stick to what I know, maybe…

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Friends, Love, Moment. Bookmark the permalink.

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