The summer holidays are over. I had three weeks (anything less is not a proper holiday) of glorious free time for myself. I enjoyed it, I was able to fully relax and detach from work and my work-related worries and tension. I was lucky enough to be in a very present, alert state of mind. My self-confidence was much better than it used to be for months.
I lost almost four kilos and this was wonderful in many ways: It gave my confidence another boost, it motivated me to keep up the calorie counting and not overeat and it heightened the ‘feeling new’ thing. And having lost a visible amount of weight during the holidays makes the effect more noticeable. Franca and Mandy were both on holiday during the same three weeks. Mandy said nothing when she saw me again, but Franca and several other students noticed, as did my colleagues at work. I can fit into the two pairs of trousers now that Mandy gave me and they are a size 42! I went out in high-heeled shoes and could walk well in them. In fact, I loved it so much that I just bought high-heeled ankle boots for autumn. They make me feel taller (naturally) and lighter and thinner and somehow… enhance the feeling of longing, the desire to rise up into the air and move fast and fly. Of course they are not as comfortable as flat shoes, but I chose some with a wide heel and don’t feel wobbly or insecure in them.
I cooked and baked bread and crumpets (which I allow myself to eat now) and filled my freezer. I wallpapered the ugly brown cupboards in the kitchen and took some new ballet classes where I noticed that I am really not that bad! My extensions and upper body have improved. And since there were less classes, I did some strength training in the gym (boring) and some interval training on the stationary bike. Oh, and I tried the elliptical machine and it was fun! It felt like walking on air. But I was much more relaxed about exercise and mostly did what I did just to make myself feel good. I had late breakfasts and tea (as a meal) as often as possible because I love them and don’t have time for them during the working week. In general, what has happened in terms of food is that the two warring opinions I used to have (bread and milk and treats and afternoon tea and ‘normal’ vs. eating/dieting to lose weight) seem to have come together in peace. I count calories and try to eat enough protein, but otherwise I eat what I truly like and want, even if it isn’t the healthiest thing. I haven’t overeaten once since my birthday. There was only one day when I ate significantly more than planned, and that was only about 2600 calories. I seem to have found a relaxed, sustainable way of losing weight. Let’s hope I can keep it up.
I took lots of short walks to the church terrace or the playground and sat there on the swing to ‘fly’. My hands got blisters from the chains more than once. And I went up to the Sun Mountain several times, even with the high-heeled shoes. The walk up there used to be so strenuous when I last went and I would either arrive exhausted and sweaty or have to walk at a snail’s pace and take breaks. It was the reason I didn’t spend more time up there, even though it is a beautiful spot with a great view. This time, I seemed to soar up the path and arrived in no time, hardly out of breath. It felt so wonderfully free. I only realise now how limited life was when I was obese. It’s lovely to feel light and strong and full of energy. I have realised that physical fitness means quality of life and now I pity everyone I see who has trouble moving their body and am grateful for my own health.
The loneliness and wanting to be seen and wishing for a boyfriend are still there. I have tried to find good information about how to meet people, how to have a date etc., but it is extremely depressing. All the tips just seem to tell you how to hide your true feelings and manipulate and fool your partner. I stopped reading them because they only made me sad. Either it will work in an honest, earnest way for me, or I don’t want a relationship. My parents told me that when they met, they talked for hours and had so much to tell each other. I would like that. I would like to be able to be my complex, many-faceted self and get to know my partner very well in turn. No lying and manipulating and ‘getting him to commit’ (shudder!) It will happen. I can feel that I have evolved, taken the next step. I’m still afraid, but the wish is stronger now. I actively look at people and notice the men I’m attracted to. I still can’t make eye contact or smile at somebody, and showing attraction scares me to death, but it will come. Love is a part of life and I want to experience it.