I dreamed that I was sitting in the bathtub, opposite… myself. I could span my other self’s waist with two hands, and when I tried it on myself, it was just the same. This fact convinced me that my opposite was really ‘me’, or my reflection. Then I tried to kiss the other me. I was curious about how a kiss would feel. But I felt nothing, it was numb. And then the dream shifted away, as dreams do.
I did that once… kissed the reflection of my lips in the mirror. Years ago. It must be somewhere on the blog. It was on a night in summer, a ‘milestone’ moment. I remember feeling love for myself then, for the first time.
On Saturday afternoon, I went back to the Sun Mountain. The weather was windy and changeable, with many dark clouds hurrying over the city. Wind always stirs something within me. I stand up straighter, lift my chin, let the air caress my face and move my hair. I was listening to music, swinging on the swing or sitting on a bench. The sun was moving lower in the west. After some time, I went over to the terrace and looked out over the city and the lake and hills. The wind and the grey clouds and the music in my ears made an intense atmosphere that tore at my heart. For a moment, I felt as if I was in a film. Epic. But such moments never last long.
I was waiting for a call from Mother before going down and meeting her for dinner, but she was later than expected. So I left the terrace and sat down on a step at the top of the long stair that leads up through the vineyards and began to read. The more driving, stirring music from before no longer fit my mood, so I chose Einaudi’s ‘Two Trees’. There is a moment in that piece when the soft melodies swell to a full motif, and just at that point the sinking sun escaped from the clouds and touched my face. Everything was golden. For one breathless minute, everything came together in a climactic overflow of beauty. The music, the light, the wind, the view, the trees and the vineyard and the warm stone beneath my hands. For a moment, I was perfectly happy. I wasn’t lonely, I wasn’t poor, I wasn’t scared or insecure or fat, I felt perfect. I was glad to be alive, able to breathe and feel and see and hear all the beauty and abundance of goodness in this world. I was grateful for everything and felt humbled and euphoric at the same time.
The early spring of cool light and clear skies, and this late summer when the light is more golden and the air is windy and dry, are two times of the year that I especially love. They inspire me and stir something in my soul. Already, I find myself thinking back to the time in Italy two years ago. I wish I could go there this year. I miss the sea.