Changing Body

This is a diary post. I need to write down all the chatter in my head regarding my body and this new feeling I’ve had for the past few months.

My weight has gone up to over 75 and then slowly down again to almost 74 kg for the last two weeks. It’s been hard to bear after the great success of last month, but I never gave up or binged, although I had some cravings. I know I must be losing fat because people keep telling me I look thinner and my clothes keep fitting differently. I will continue. Once my body has reorganised itself, the weight will drop again, I’m sure. I know how it works for me by now. Consistent calorie deficit equals fat loss. Simple. Just keep it up.

***

I am once again in a period of change. My body changes and so does my self-image and my sense of identity. I truly am a different person. Sometimes I feel like a thin or even skinny person inside. But there are moments when I feel fat again. It goes back and forth. I keep looking at myself, at my reflection, I keep touching myself and trying on lots of clothes, all to get my head up to speed with my body. I fit into a size 38 skirt and blouse today, though the trousers are still 40 or 42 depending on the cut. Melina said yesterday that I should start wearing leotards. But it’s still too soon. I tried on a few in the dance shop and they didn’t fit. But yesterday I was wearing body tights in class and later, when I was undressing for the shower, I took off the sports bra and was delighted to see that what little remains of my bosom was being held quite well by the tights, even when I jumped. Maybe I will be able to only wear body tights and a leotard in future, which would make a much nicer line and give me a greater range of leotards to wear. I did a port de bras in front of the bathroom mirror and thought that I looked lovely and thin, with visible bones in my back and muscles in my arms and a nice line. Like a real dancer. It was the lengthening and the angle of the pose (4th arabesque) that brought out all the best bits. But it made me so happy. It is such a delicious experience to see yourself looking exactly as you want to look! I also got a gorgeous new coat, dark red and short and the cut accentuates the line of my waist. I love it and am quite sad that it is too warm to wear it this week. Red suits me and I like wearing it at the moment. The colour of passion and life.

***

Still, for the last few days I noticed a slight drop in the ‘feeling new-inspired-expressive’ thing. I don’t want as much music and sometimes I went back to not looking at people or not caring how I looked. The new hopefulness has become a little stale or bitter as weeks passed and nothing happened. I’m not sure what I expected, or whether I really expected anything. But I don’t want to lose this! It gave me energy and purpose for everything in life. From the moment I woke up, this feeling kept me interested and inspired on even the greyest Monday mornings. From this feeling, too, a story about Elinor came to my mind recently. Elinor has been the girl in the stories I make up in my mind for years. They just come to me sometimes. This time, Elinor was a dancer and she was very thin and didn’t eat very much. She was feeling the same kind of inspiration and passion and was just spirit made flesh. The way I want to be. Elinor is always my counterpart. The emotional image or mood from the story now help me to rekindle my own fire when I feel it getting weak. I need only remember how Elinor feels to make it easier to put the food down or do my foot exercises or straighten my back. Elinor is no longer the opposite of all that I am now, like she used to be. I am becoming more and more like her, like I really want to be.

***

I love the new leanness of my upper body. I feel delicate and pure and spiritual and ‘Elinor-y’ in that area, somehow. I can see my shoulder blades and back muscles a little. And the ribs. I love the ribs so much. The cage of my heart, and it is clearly there right under my skin. And I even love my hips now. The lower part of the stomach and the bottom and thighs and upper arms are still areas that I don’t like, since most of the fat is there. But my thighs have slimmed visibly and when I wear tights, I sometimes like the shape of my legs. They are starting to look like legs, not chicken drumsticks. Every kilo makes a difference in my shape now. I call it the toilet paper roll effect: the closer you get to the centre of a toilet paper roll, the more noticeable a single missing leaf of paper becomes.

***

I love the fact that my bosom has shrunk so much. I don’t like breasts and they get in the way of dancing. But I’m also a little worried that it will make me less attractive. The things that I like about my body like my jaw and neck line, collar bones and upper chest, waist, slender fingers, wirsts and ankles and lines in general are not the parts that men generally seem to like or appreciate on women. I like the way I look with a tight hairstyle, the way I wear it to ballet class or work. It reveals my jaw and neck line. But it makes me look less feminine and soft. This morning, I wore my hair loose because it was still damp and I noticed that two men turned to look at me. My hair is too long to wear open now, because it curls. Not nice real curls, though. They get fluffy or frizzy very soon and it makes me look dishevelled. I don’t have the time or patience to do the Curly Girl process like Dinah, so I normally just pin it all up on the back of my head. But I realise that this is a more severe and ‘older’ hairstyle that may make me look less attractive to men. And as I said, the bosom. That was a thought I had today. That the parts I like about my or any woman’s body are probably not the parts that men tend to like.

***

I do envy people with firm skin, though. Mine is very loose. It is better than I feared, but even if I manage to become very lean, I doubt it will all shrink back. I was fat for so long. I will never look good in a bathing suit or naked. I used to think I wouldn’t mind as long as I could be thin, but I still do. It’s just so ugly and I don’t want to be ugly, I don’t like myself when I’m ugly. But no, I won’t complain. I am fulfilling a life-long dream by losing all this fat. I am constantly amazed by the amount of delicacy and beauty that is emerging from underneath it. It is already more than I have ever hoped for. I am still young. I am healthy and whole. I really am incredibly grateful.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Health, Moment and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Changing Body

  1. Hey, just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed this post. I can understand a lot of it, since I went through the same now with being in ballet for adults for the last year. My weight hasn’t changed, in that year, almost at all, but I dropped 2 sizes in clothes, and I’m much stronger, too…I’m finally feeling slightly more like myself. It’s a great thing, getting in shape. Never say never, about looking good in a bathing suit and all that…I used to be very thin, but by not eating. That didn’t look good on me, my skin was loose, and pale, and my hair thin, and after a while it started falling out too…Sure I looked hot if I bothered to dress up, but it was really unhealthy. Even in my regular size, I was never really fit- and there were certain fitness shapes and looks I thought I will never achieve, I was certain I know my body quite well…but dancing is changing everything I know about my body. The excess skin will adjust with time, as long as you don’t lose weight too fast. There are very little things that you can’t change about your body if you have the persistence, and you are on the right path:)) The hardest part is actually consistently working on it, even when you’re not sure where you’re going. Sorry this is so long, I’m just always to passionate about dance and fitness issues…

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