Endless Energy

The weekend is over. I weighed 160 lb. today. The cravings are back to normal. I still go back and forth between identifying as ‘fat’ and ‘normal’. Next to fat people, I feel guilty for being thinner and maybe making them feel bad. Next to thin people, I feel jealous or self-conscious. I noticed it this weekend where I spent a lot of time at AS. It’s confusing.

I wrote to Dinah on Thursday. I was feeling lonely, but also strangely happy, and did it quite spontaneously. I wrote: ‘Dinah, I miss you. Shall we meet some time? Believe me, it’s hard for me, too.’ It sounds less ‘me, me, me’ in German. She hasn’t answered and didn’t tell anybody at home yet. I hope it wasn’t counterproductive. Last night I had another dream where she looked at me. Instead of a shocked reaction to my figure, she smiled and said she could see herself in me. It was a good dream.

On Friday evening I took the beginner ballet class at AS. One of the male students spoke to me and complimented me on my dancing, saying I did everything so beautifully. He remembered me from 2009 and was impressed with the change. I was flattered, but also a little embarrassed. I was fat in 2009 and don’t like thinking about it. After class, I went on the cross trainer again, using the music and energy from the exercise class to push me through the workout. In the evening, my parents invited me to the restaurant at the corner for pizza. I wore my new dress (Yes, I bought a dress). It was dark and I was with people who know and love me and not far away from home, so I felt safe wearing it. It’s black with a high white collar, knee length and sleeveless, but I wore a shirt under it and black tights. I’m still not sure whether I should wear such a short dress with my legs. Thankfully, I have quite nice ankles.

On Saturday morning, I went to the studio early to practice turns. GFT had corrected me  last week, saying I was turning with a hunched back and to open the leading arm before the turn. But during the class, my turns were horrible and GFT kept telling me I was boring and passive and too shy. I went home feeling disappointed, but determined to improve. There was an intermediate class at AS that I was interested in. I knew that Samantha took the class and that it was very fast, but I was also curious. I decided to go to AS again and look at the class. If Samantha wasn’t there, I would try it. Otherwise, I’d just use the cross trainer again and watch the class. Samantha showed up and I hid a little, not wanting her to see me. There were some people who are much worse than me, but some very advanced ones as well. The class was fast and complex. I was glad I hadn’t attempted it, I would have made a fool of myself, stumbling through fast turns and jumps. Samantha did see me and even came out for a moment to speak to me. She said I should try it next week and that there were people who were worse than I. But I don’t want to be in class with her. And the class would have been useless for me, merely frustrating. I felt like a fat beginner, a wannabe dancer, compared to those good students. There is so much I still need to learn and I wonder whether I can ever achieve it. I did interval training on the cross trainer for thirty minutes and stretched a lot and injured my left hamstring. The right one has been hurting a little for months after I overstretched it and now I did the same to the left one. It was very sore today, but there was no swelling or bruising.

I don’t want to be home alone at the moment. This morning, I slept long and had a nice breakfast with tea and a croissant and then did some housework, but in the afternoon I went back to AS. I found out that there is an empty studio on Sunday afternoons and I practiced ballet for myself for ninety minutes. I did manage a few good turns today, and a few almost-doubles. I jumped, too. Sometimes I can get off the floor from one foot. Assemblés still look horrible, especially in a series. But the sissonnes fermées are better. Afterwards I went on the cross trainer again. There was an exercise class. The music was extremely loud with a strong beat, the people down in the gymnasium were clapping and jumping and I kept right up with the beat, even in the hard intervals. I could feel from the beginning that I hadn’t much stamina left today after the intense training, my legs felt weak. But the music just swept me away, pulled me along. I had problems catching enough breath and my heart felt funny and I was wondering when I would get dizzy, but nothing happened. I loved it, working so hard. I wished I could have continued for hours, the music pushing my body, sweat streaming, floating. It wasn’t enough, still not enough. It’s never enough. I  want to become the music. I want to transform into pure energy. I went to the lake afterwards, to the swing with the long chains, and swung and swung and didn’t care that the children gave me strange looks, but it still wasn’t enough. What is the matter with me? This longing, passion, energy, whatever it is, is getting stronger. It feels as if there was endless energy, flowing through me. I wonder where it will take me.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Dreams, Family, Health, Moment, Music and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s