Pure Potential

I have been thinking some more about this new feeling, this energy or inspiration. And I have realised that it is mostly, as I said, a longing, wanting, a desire. I long for motion, for expression, for love and for something I can’t define, something more. There is a tension, like electric voltage. I can feel it. I can use it. To tap into this feeling gives me inspiration and energy and purpose and joy. It feeds my soul like nothing else ever has.

I do long for love and imagine how nice it must be, but it is the unfulfilled desire which gives me energy. If my wish were to come true now in the form of a loving relationship, some of this desire would go away, because I would have what I wanted. And while it will be wonderful and sweet (hopefully) to have, there will also be less energy. Some say that the desire, the becoming, is the best part. I think that is true in a way. The greatest energy is in this state and not in the manifestation.

A part of me wants love more than anything. Another part of me wants this. This pure potential, this high energy. It is wonderful. It makes me feel so alive. 

(Now it is clear to me why the stories I make up always get boring as soon as Elinor, the story girl, gets what she wants. The story is best when there is longing and tension. It’s all about energy.)

***

I have also been thinking that I am still an entirely blank slate now. I had a severe unrequited crush on a boy when I was still almost a child. After that, only occasional short ones. No kisses, declarations, dates, not even holding hands. Very little heartbreak, no fights, no betrayals, no breakups. A few looks and daydreams, nothing more. As I said above: Pure potential.

I am a little reluctant to end this state. But I also really, really want to. At the moment, I am hovering on the brink, intending but still not fully wanting to let go and take the plunge. Here, there is peace of mind. There is hope and expectation, and also fear. But it is all safe. It is all mine. I can mostly control it.

Once another person enters the picture, everything will be so much more complicated. I am afraid of becoming dependent on somebody else for my happiness. I don’t want to lose my power, my control. Yet if there was somebody… I think I wouldn’t hesitate. I have no experience, it is totally new. I don’t know how I will react. But with my personality and after waiting so long, it is likely that love will deeply affect me…

In reality, the whole thing looks like this: Last week, I had a holiday from work and spent a lot of time away from home, walking, swinging, shopping, taking ballet classes and working out at AS. I went back and forth between seeing myself as beautiful or interesting and ugly and boring. I kept wanting to be noticed, to be seen and loved. Yet when I felt an attractive man looking at me, I withdrew. I looked down before I could even decide to do so. I told myself that the looks were for other reasons. I kept looking around and finding younger, thinner, prettier women and telling myself immediately that compared to them I was unattractive. Or I saw the woman with him, or the child, or the wedding ring. If there was nothing, I told myself that he surely had a girlfriend, a confident woman with thin legs. Or a boyfriend. Strangely, a part of me felt intense relief when this happened. It felt like coming home to a well-known place. A little sad, but safe from this new dangerous wilderness of looks and signals and judgements.

I gave no signals, or negative signals. And then I was disappointed that nothing happened. I keep saying I want this, I keep wanting, but then I feel ashamed of it, ashamed to admit or show it. Afraid. I distance myself by not looking at people, stuffing my ears with music. Yet I go out again and again, trying to look nice, to present myself, to be seen. It’s a paradox. As I said, I am still hovering on the brink.

 I should have done this fifteen years ago like everybody else. The older you get, the harder it becomes. God, this is utterly pathetic.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Law of Attraction, Love and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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