I’ve had a hard week after last Friday. To celebrate reaching my goal weight, I went out with my parents and ate a little more than that day’s planned food. I had about 2300 calories that day. Then I went back to around 2000 calories. The weight, however, went up almost two pounds over a few days and only came down again today. It was so frustrating. I felt like a fraud for making that post and announcing it to my friends and family and then being heavier again. I also felt like a cheat because while I accepted their congratulations, there were fantasies of binge eating playing in my head. I have had these for some weeks now; strong urges to eat without restriction, without counting and weighing. I can feel it building up within me, but I am reluctant to give in because I want to stay under 150 lb. at all costs. And I don’t want to taint the memories of this time of reaching my goal and getting my first pointe shoes with binges and lies and shame. If the urges don’t go away, I may give in around Christmas. Until then, I will continue and hope to lose some more weight. I really, really want to eat a lot, but I also really don’t want to gain weight and have to re-lose. If I didn’t find vomiting such a horrible experience, I would be very much at risk of developing bulimia. Thank goodness I can’t make myself sick. I may just have to accept occasional binges in the future, and deal with the consequences. I can go months without, but now and then it feels as if I needed to break out. Mostly, however, I would like my ‘new feeling’ back, my inspiration and energy. When things went wrong in class or I needed something positive to get me through at work, I used to have sudden hopeful thoughts of love or inspiration that gave me joy. Now, these flash thoughts are about food instead… Not good.
I haven’t given up on love. But the naïve hope that it will just happen has grown stale. I feel lonely and find it hard not to focus on it. I know I want love, but I still draw back every single time there is the slightest possibility. I seem to have too many hopes, fears and expectations, too much baggage. And too little experience. None at all, really. There was a time when I used to think I was pretty, then ugly, and now I am beginning to see some new beauty. Reaching a normal weight, taking those photos and really looking at myself has also changed my self-image and increased my confidence. Maybe I will soon be ready to go further. I saw Mrs. H on Thursday and we talked about this topic. She suggested taking dance classes (ballroom dancing or salsa or something, not ballet) as a way to meet men and get used to being closer to a man in a rather harmless way. I think I might enjoy that. I have thought about it, but always thought you needed to already have a partner to join a class. And until now, I was insecure about wearing heels, a skirt or, you know, touching a man. But I’ll look into it. I would really like to learn how to dance in a social context. It could be fun and good practice and make me feel better prepared for situations where you have to dance. Even if noting comes of it, it could be fun and instructive. There are still visions of going to a ball one day in a gorgeous dress with a lovely partner and floating across a dance floor… Oh, yes, now I really feel like trying it!
I went to that ballet school last Friday to take the open class because AS was closed. They didn’t have time for a pointe shoe fitting, but I had suspected it and wasn’t too disappointed. I’ll try to go to another shop out of town next Saturday, or wait two weeks for the next appointment. I’m a little impatient now because I wanted to start before Christmas and now it doesn’t seem possible. The open class was a good experience, though. The teacher was male and only spoke French and he was quite strict. He gave more corrections to the good students or those with potential, namely youth, flexibility and a good figure. There were about ten people, mostly teens and two older women. At first I struggled with coordination because he gave very unfamiliar port de bras and I am by nature uncoordinated. Halfway through barre, it got better and he started correcting me, even standing behind me and lifting my leg up. I felt flattered by his attention, it gave me confidence. I am not thin and not really young anymore, I have only average flexibility and bad turnout, so I must have something else that he saw, some potential. Maybe port de bras or decent extension (for an amateur). Turns were bad because the floor was sticky, petit allegro had a jump that threw me out of rhythm and I didn’t even attempt grand allegro because, well, I have never actually learned a grand jeté properly and am afraid of injury. I wasn’t doing as well as I could. I should have felt bad, but because the teacher took me seriously and corrected me and didn’t treat me with a ‘hopeless, bumbling adult beginner’ attitude, I didn’t. On the contrary, I could take myself seriously again after the struggle of the last few weeks. I do work hard every day to learn ballet, I have some talent or understanding or feeling for it and I have a right to be in a dance studio and take myself seriously, call myself a dancer, even. If you dance every day, aren’t you a dancer? Amateur, adult, not very good, but still: dancer. Yes.
I’ve struggled very much with urges to overeat today, but now it is night and I haven’t. I went to the gym when our Sunday class was cancelled. And I went to the swing by the lake before noon when there were hardly any children. I even felt a bit of the old energy I have been missing, for a few moments on the swing and on the cross trainer. Maybe it will come back soon.