Diary-Style Again

Friday
I’ve had a hard week after last Friday. To celebrate reaching my goal weight, I went out with my parents and ate a little more than that day’s planned food. I had about 2300 calories that day. Then I went back to around 2000 calories. The weight, however, went up almost two pounds over a few days and only came down again today. It was so frustrating. I felt like a fraud for making that post and announcing it to my friends and family and then being heavier again. I also felt like a cheat because while I accepted their congratulations, there were fantasies of binge eating playing in my head. I have had these for some weeks now; strong urges to eat without restriction, without counting and weighing. I can feel it building up within me, but I am reluctant to give in because I want to stay under 150 lb. at all costs. And I don’t want to taint the memories of this time of reaching my goal and getting my first pointe shoes with binges and lies and shame. If the urges don’t go away, I may give in around Christmas. Until then, I will continue and hope to lose some more weight. I really, really want to eat a lot, but I also really don’t want to gain weight and have to re-lose. If I didn’t find vomiting such a horrible experience, I would be very much at risk of developing bulimia. Thank goodness I can’t make myself sick. I may just have to accept occasional binges in the future, and deal with the consequences. I can go months without, but now and then it feels as if I needed to break out. Mostly, however, I would like my ‘new feeling’ back, my inspiration and energy. When things went wrong in class or I needed something positive to get me through at work, I used to have sudden hopeful thoughts of love or inspiration that gave me joy. Now, these flash thoughts are about food instead… Not good.

I haven’t given up on love. But the naïve hope that it will just happen has grown stale. I feel lonely and find it hard not to focus on it. I know I want love, but I still draw back every single time there is the slightest possibility. I seem to have too many hopes, fears and expectations, too much baggage. And too little experience. None at all, really. There was a time when I used to think I was pretty, then ugly, and now I am beginning to see some new beauty. Reaching a normal weight, taking those photos and really looking at myself has also changed my self-image and increased my confidence. Maybe I will soon be ready to go further. I saw Mrs. H on Thursday and we talked about this topic. She suggested taking dance classes (ballroom dancing or salsa or something, not ballet) as a way to meet men and get used to being closer to a man in a rather harmless way. I think I might enjoy that. I have thought about it, but always thought you needed to already have a partner to join a class. And until now, I was insecure about wearing heels, a skirt or, you know, touching a man. But I’ll look into it. I would really like to learn how to dance in a social context. It could be fun and good practice and make me feel better prepared for situations where you have to dance. Even if noting comes of it, it could be fun and instructive. There are still visions of going to a ball one day in a gorgeous dress with a lovely partner and floating across a dance floor… Oh, yes, now I really feel like trying it!

Sunday

I went to that ballet school last Friday to take the open class because AS was closed. They didn’t have time for a pointe shoe fitting, but I had suspected it and wasn’t too disappointed. I’ll try to go to another shop out of town next Saturday, or wait two weeks for the next appointment. I’m a little impatient now because I wanted to start before Christmas and now it doesn’t seem possible. The open class was a good experience, though. The teacher was male and only spoke French and he was quite strict. He gave more corrections to the good students or those with potential, namely youth, flexibility and a good figure. There were about ten people, mostly teens and two older women. At first I struggled with coordination because he gave very unfamiliar port de bras and I am by nature uncoordinated. Halfway through barre, it got better and he started correcting me, even standing behind me and lifting my leg up. I felt flattered by his attention, it gave me confidence. I am not thin and not really young anymore, I have only average flexibility and bad turnout, so I must have something else that he saw, some potential. Maybe port de bras or decent extension (for an amateur). Turns were bad because the floor was sticky, petit allegro had a jump that threw me out of rhythm and I didn’t even attempt grand allegro because, well, I have never actually learned a grand jeté properly and am afraid of injury. I wasn’t doing as well as I could. I should have felt bad, but because the teacher took me seriously and corrected me and didn’t treat me with a ‘hopeless, bumbling adult beginner’ attitude, I didn’t. On the contrary, I could take myself seriously again after the struggle of the last few weeks. I do work hard every day to learn ballet, I have some talent or understanding or feeling for it and I have a right to be in a dance studio and take myself seriously, call myself a dancer, even. If you dance every day, aren’t you a dancer? Amateur, adult, not very good, but still: dancer. Yes.

I’ve struggled very much with urges to overeat today, but now it is night and I haven’t. I went to the gym when our Sunday class was cancelled. And I went to the swing by the lake before noon when there were hardly any children. I even felt a bit of the old energy I have been missing, for a few moments on the swing and on the cross trainer. Maybe it will come back soon.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Health, Moment. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Diary-Style Again

  1. abc says:

    I wish you all the best for the next stage of your impressive journey!
    If you hadnt mentioned in your post already, i would have suggested ballroom dancing to you too. It is a great oppertunity to socialise and meet new people in a simple way while at the same time there are no awkward moments because after all you still have to dance together, so it doesnt matter if you dont know what to say. actually, in my ballroom classes it is not necessary at all to wear a skirt or heels, also everyone can join since the dance school makes sure there is an equal number of men and women enrolled.
    I really think you should try it, it is a wonderful way to spend an evening out!
    Good luck and most importantly, have fun!

  2. Faiora says:

    I wouldn’t worry about going up after hitting goal. Because of variations in weight day-to-day, pretty much no matter when you hit goal you’re going to go over a day later… because weight goes up and down, and EVERY “down” is a new low. You might even find yourself dropping even lower at your next low, and having to adjust your food upwards to compensate!

    You’ve done such an amazing job and I think you know you can keep it up just like you have been all along. You’ve hit goal, but you’re just partway along in your journey. It’s just one number in a long string of numbers.

    You’re amazing and inspiring and I can’t wait to see how your journey continues.
    -Fai

  3. kaija24 says:

    I’ve been following your blog and love your eloquent and honest writing style, especially the way you are able to capture your inner space (thoughts and feelings) and how you feel about ballet (I love it too!).

    Congratulations on making your goal…what you have accomplished is truly amazing. However, might I suggest that you consider transitioning into a “weight maintenance” phase for now? Losing weight is different than maintaining weight and it will take adaptation and adjustment of your habits and your skills, which takes time and experimentation. Also, the significant weight loss takes a toll on the body, as it needs to readapt and rearrange to accommodate the “new” normal. 🙂 It is very likely that you will gain muscle and lose fat at maintenance with all of your activity and sufficient fuel to power both that activity AND the muscle growth and adaptation. You make end up slightly heavier on the scale, but more dense and thus smaller in size via body recomposition. Also, continuing to chase even more weight loss and it’s tangible feedback on the scale will eventually bottom out and kill your metabolism (and possible trigger disordered patterns). Just some things to think about from someone who has been there….

    • annalienor says:

      Thank you for your tips and compliment!
      I still have to figure out how to continue in the new year.

      • kaija24 says:

        I was do relieved to see your reply…I was worried that I had offended or said something out of turn! I really honestly (from a professional biomedical science background and personal experience point of view) believe that “the secret” is learning how to maintain weight loss. Most people cycle back and forth between their old patterns of eating and (lack of) activity and their “dieting” mentality and fall down because they fail to adhere to/learn the the “weight maintenance”phase that is the CRUCIAL bridge between old patterns and new. In retrospect, I so wish I would have stopped to learn and embody the “weight maintenance” skills before I tipped over into unhealthy patterns. So many people fall into the yo-yo dieting pattern of old undisciplined habits and “diet” patterns by skipping the essential middle phase of “maintaining the weight loss.” I don’t want anyone to fall down the rabbit hold of chasing ever more elusive “improvement” without some chance to stop and rest and see what a maintenance looks like…it’s so meaningful to the larger journey.

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