Two Things

This week, there were two major things that happened: I binged, and I was thrown out by Mandy. I must have been getting gradually more negative for such things to happen.

The Binge on Monday was enjoyable for half an hour and horrible for the rest of the day. I felt really ill afterwards, heavy and achy and weak. It took place in the morning and I still felt it acutely in ballet class at night. It made my stomach stick out for days. It made me gain six pounds (it can’t all be fat, but still…) It made me feel kind of dirty or impure. I don’t want to be like that: thinking about food, craving it, overeating. I want to be able to think of other things, the way it used to be for the last few months. To enjoy food while I’m eating, maybe think about what to eat and plan it, yes. But lately, thoughts of food and cravings have started to creep up on me more and more often. They come at work, on the bus, in ballet class. I don’t want them! It makes dieting so much more of a struggle.

Last year, I was a little depressed. I ate a lot and knew I was regaining some weight, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t very noticeable. I enjoyed eating; it was one of the only few things I enjoyed during that time. Now, however, it is different: I want to be thin (and I am quite thin compared to last year). I want to wear nice clothes and feel pretty, I want to like myself. When I overeat, I worry about gaining weight or moving away from my goal, so I can’t even enjoy it, and yet I want to overeat. There is this tension again between two warring desires: to binge and to be thin. I still allow myself to eat almost 2000 calories per day and to eat sweets and fast food. It used to do the trick and I hardly ever felt deprived for months, but now I do. Why, why, why? I want it to go away!

***

On Tuesday, I took Mandy’s classes, beginning intermediate and basic level, as always. We drove home together on the bus with another student and we chatted. I mentioned that I want to try ballroom dancing and asked Mandy about pointe shoe fitting etc. She offers one pointe section after class on Wednesday, the level is very mixed but rather advanced. I have always taken Franca’s class on Wednesday and she offers pointe on that day, too. The work is not basic but a little more systematic and slower, which seems better for me. I know Mandy reacts in a weird, childish way whenever we talk about other classes and other teachers, as if she was jealous or insecure and had to compensate for it. Therefore, I didn’t make a point in telling her that I wanted to take the pointe class with Franca. I just mentioned that none of my classes were ideal for beginning pointe work. She didn’t say much but I felt that weird reaction of hers. We said goodnight amicably. The next morning, I got the following email from her (it sounds awkward translated from German)

‘Dear Aliénor

I think that, regarding ballet, the time has come for you to move on for the moment.

You still have some lessons on your subscription card and therefore enough time to inform yourself, with your advisors, as to a suitable Tuesday ballet class for you. I also think that you are overqualified for the second Tuesday class and it is better for you to concentrate your energy on the 18.30 lesson.

Most cordially

Mandy’

Oh, she’s clever. No accusations, no reasons. She just makes it clear that she doesn’t want to teach me anymore. There are no objective reasons for this. I am a dedicated student, always on time, working hard, taking on corrections gratefully and working on them, making progress. I never contradict her on matters of technique, never run out during the lesson to make tea or look at my phone, never complain about tempo or difficulty (some other students do this). I have brought her students for her workshops and recommended her to everybody. I have also tried to keep back my opinions on most matters because Mandy is intolerant of dissenting opinions. I noticed that she doesn’t like the fact that I take other classes, that I read about ballet technique in books and on internet forums and that I don’t take all her classes. I used to go up to four times a week. Then she cancelled two classes and the Sunday class proved to be too advanced for me. I was just trying to keep up, not really working, so I stopped going. This, as well as the skit about ‘my advisors’, makes it pretty clear what her reasons are. And maybe it’s my weight loss, too, because she is a little overweight and constantly complaining about it, but doesn’t/can’t lose weight.

At first, I was shocked and then very angry. I wanted to write a reply full of accusations. Then, after cooling down a little, I thought I would just answer very coldly that I regretted having to part from her like this, and never set foot in her class again. I would not stoop to beg, accuse or explain. I told Franca and Melina when we were chatting before class and they were indignant. (Franca has been very nice to me since then and corrected and praised me more often.) And I asked Mrs. H for advice. She said that the cold approach was actually reactive, and that I should calmly ask for a reason instead and speak from my own standpoint. In the end, all I wrote was: ‘For what reason do you not want to teach me anymore?’ Now she is forced to give a reason, and since there is no good reason, I am not surprised that I haven’t received an answer yet.

Unless she explains and apologises, I will not go back to her. She is a good teacher with a special approach and has helped me enormously, but many of her corrections and concepts are second nature for me now, so it won’t be such a great loss. I’ll do something else on Tuesdays. Maybe I’ll find an even better class. I don’t need this childish behaviour. She behaved horribly towards June, too, dropping her like a hot potato and later talking behind her back when she most needed her support. There have been some other incidents where she was mean or childish. I kept my distance after the first time and just went to her class to learn ballet. But I certainly will not go anymore when I know she doesn’t want me there. Not even once. She can keep the remaining two lessons. I am still angry. I have a right to choose my teachers and create a schedule that will maximise the benefit for my training. I have neither time nor money to spare to take classes that don’t help me, only to flatter a teacher. I am respectful of every teacher and try to do things their way and adapt to their style. I asked Mandy before every single basic class whether it was okay for me to stay. I really haven’t done anything wrong. Grrr!

To end this on a good note: The pointe shoe fitting is tomorrow.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Friends, Health, Law of Attraction and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Two Things

  1. Basia says:

    Tough day for you… hope it all works out. Seems like you did the right thing, just asking why she doesn’t want you in her class.

    Have fun with shoe fitting! i’m sooo jealous. One day my time will come when my teacher says: Hey, why don’t you come to my pointe class?

  2. abc says:

    To me it sounds like you totally did the right thing Also, it´s probably best to focus on the positive things: starting pointe. Enjoying what you do makes everything even more appreciatable (if you can say that in English).
    And please keep us updated about your progress!

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