Fallen. Maybe Still Falling

December has been quite horrible so far. I was looking forward to Advent, to going on Pointe, to feeling cosy and Christmas-y. Instead, I started the month by binge eating and feeling bad and have continued on this path.

I was so happy to reach my goal weight. I felt so good about myself at that weight, so finally normal, so no-longer-guilty. And I went and ruined it and ate too much. No idea how much I really gained, I haven’t weighed myself for days because I didn’t want to see the number, knowing it would only make me feel worse. But I can see that I gained weight, and it isn’t all water retention, either. I fell head over heels into my old binge eating pattern. In the last two weeks, there were more binge days than others. Every day, every time, I would decide to stop, only to do it again. Arguments for and against overeating keep fighting in my mind, distracting me. Back and forth, for and against, until I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted anymore. When I ate, I wanted to be thin. When I went back to counting, I wanted to overeat. It’s just horrible. It went so far that I tried to make myself vomit, seriously tried this time. Part of me is relieved that it didn’t work. I am trying to be there for myself, to forgive myself and not ‘leave myself alone’ as Mrs. H calls it. Even if I gain a few pounds, it isn’t the end of the world. I still look pretty much as I looked before. I am still quite fit and haven’t lost my ballet technique or anything. But I just know that gaining weight is not an option. I can’t like myself at a higher weight. This isn’t me. I feel like a failure, like a liar. I feel intense regret. I am very, very afraid because I seem to have no control.

I was so careful, eating at a moderate deficit, allowing myself treats every day, all to avoid the dreaded restriction and binge cycle. I haven’t changed that. Why am I back here? All that changed was a gradual loss of that new feeling, that energy and inspiration I used to feel. The loneliness began to hurt me more. The rejection by Mandy, by Dinah. The sadness of spending these dark days mostly on my own instead of at home with my family, or with a lover. Cravings and thoughts of food increased. I have tried to turn it around, to rekindle my fire, but it takes more and more work to feel even a short spark.

I don’t know what to do, really. I am trying to be very kind to myself and take one day at a time. It doesn’t help that I’m ill right now and hurting everywhere, either. I will just have to wait it out and try to minmise the damage. Better times will come, I know. At least I am not as miserable or as fat as I was last December, which is a comforting thought.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Family, Health and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Fallen. Maybe Still Falling

  1. wantneedwill says:

    *looks at the blog name* Advance, and never halt.
    *looks at the title of the post* Fallen. Maybe Still Falling

    Hmmm…. something’s amiss here! We move forward when we face hardships, it’s the only thing we can do, it’s what you can do and will do! The past is done with and over, eyes forward towards the future!

    Personally, I’d recommend setting schedules and meal plans. Writing and planning your meals for the day ahead of time, and sticking to it – regardless of what you’d feel like doing. People like it when there’s a plan, a goal, even if it’s as simple as eating right for the day.

    Put that plan in plain sight that you can see it whenever you go to the fridge, or cabinet, or wherever the food that you binge on might be – just to remind yourself of it, in the times that you need to be reminded.

    You have way more capability to restrict yourself, as well as control yourself, than you give yourself credit for – judging from the post as well as your previous posts. If you want to believe that, is purely up to you though, it’s easier to just say “I can’t control this!” when you know, deep down inside, you could. You’ve done it before after all, nothing’s changed, you’re still you.

    And you can do this! Chin up and forward!

  2. bronwensw says:

    I’ve been reading your blog a little and I’m planning to read more, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re very strong, and that these thoughts and setbacks are normal and I go through similar patterns of negativity. You’ll get through this, you’ve achieved a hell of a lot and you’ll achieve more steadily in the future, be kind to yourself!

  3. Basia says:

    I’m totally with you on how you feel… You totally described me!
    This may be a way out idea….but what if you believe you don’t deserve to be as you say “normal “?
    If the answer is yes, then to overcome that you will need to decide to deserve it. Key is to make a decision about it, doesn’t work otherwise.
    I’m starting to think its largely cyclical and you’ll be at the top again in no time. Good luck 🙂

    • annalienor says:

      That may be a possible reason. Or fear of fully entering the ‘normal’ world.
      Eating makes me feel isolated, but also safe for a while. I’ll have to think some more about this.
      Thank you so much for your help! And I hope you are doing better than me.

      • Basia says:

        Like you in have highs and lows more often than I care to admit to myself…. Currently on the high… Last week it was a low…
        I need to apply my own advice too, to make a decision to be good at keeping my weight down.

      • Basia says:

        An insight which might help that I had last week:
        I found that I was creating a “weight loss drama” in my mind, because of course, that’s what being a ballerina is all about isn’t it?? Hence the lows i think.

  4. The Lite Rider says:

    Basia is wise. Decision to like yourself is key. Which doesn’t mean it’s ok to balloon up to where you were before. Just that you can weather this, and you are not a failure or otherwise lacking person!

  5. kiwiktn says:

    Einsam über Weihnachten mit negativen Gedankenkreisen? Kommt mir bekannt vor.
    Wir schaffen das! LG aus Kölle

  6. kaija24 says:

    It’s normal to have to navigate some bumps in the road when you are on a new road. 🙂 Be compassionate and kind to yourself and focus forward…this is a marathon, not a sprint, and healthy habits are a long-term project. Sending good wishes and peace…

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