Things are looking up. I’m not sure if the realisation I had last Thursday is the only reason for that, but it has made a huge difference. I seem to have gained a certain detachment from the constant doubts and insecurities. It feels as if I was no longer stumbling blindly through a maze full of cobwebs. Part of me can watch myself struggling from above and know that I will find my way. I can recognise consciously when the insecurities come. Just this different way of looking at it has made it much more bearable.
I am more relaxed and confident. I suddenly listen to music again and let it move me deeply. Trying to look nice, wearing mascara and scent and nice clothes, no longer feels like a pointless chore but like something I want to do. Not to please others or to fulfil an image, but out of joy. Yes, there is definitely joy again. And energy. On Monday, I felt the old, delicious exhilaration of music and movement and energy while I did my workout on the cross trainer. I have missed it! It left me so gradually that it wasn’t noticeable at first, but once it was back the difference was enormous.
Last Thursday after work, after posting that blog entry, I went to AS to do my workout and then on to Franca’s school for the beginner class. I felt weak and stiff and tired and honestly considered just going home again. Franca had created a new class with new music (she always gives the same class for a few weeks). The music was gorgeous, lots of well-known beautiful melodies, wonderfully played. The combinations were slow and organic. I suddenly felt a surge of that lovely ballet feeling, that pleasure of moving, lengthening, bending with the music, of strength and beauty and energy flowing through my body. In that class, all my love and inspiration for ballet returned. There was no longer a question of WHY I do it.
And: Spring! Suddenly, there is light in the mornings when I get up and the sun still shines when I leave work. There are the blackbirds singing at dawn and dusk. Nothing says spring more than a blackbird’s voice. There is the smell of warmth in the air (although I am still constantly cold). There are crocuses and snowdrops and the tips of narcissuses. A tiny group of snowdrops is growing right outside my window under an apple tree. And there is the twilight. On clear days, it lasts for hours. The sky turns grey and purple and pale green and then fades into deep blue with huge, burning stars. I LOVE these twilights in early spring. This time of year always stirs and moves me. There is something in the air that makes me feel inspired. I feel like rising up into the air and flying.