After the last post, I went back to weight loss. Even though I had said that the break was needed and that I was ok with a temporary weight gain, it was hard. I looked very fat. My stomach and thighs seemed huge. A large part of it was retained water, I knew, but I hated it all the same. Ballet class was horrible, even though Franca didn’t notice a change (she saw me on day 3, so the worst was over). Around day 5 or 6, I felt better and could accept my body once more. I also had cravings and was thinking longingly of the days when I had eaten without inhibition.
It had felt so wonderfully free! No waiting with the first drink after getting up until I had stripped and weighed myself. No cooking that resembles chemical experiments, with scale, notebook and computer. Just add a handful of this, a splash of oil, some more of that. Buying food I liked or was curious about without worrying about calories, protein or fat. Eating on the go, buying a donut or croissant (without a nutrition label) just because I could. Biting into a chocolate Easter bunny, not breaking off a piece to weigh it.
Once I was back on my diet, I remembered that freedom and sometimes missed it so much it hurt. The food and the taste are one thing, but the freedom and the amount of food are another huge aspect why I miss it. This feeling of ‘I have enough and to spare’. Abundance. And once the fullness from a meal had passed, I could feel energy rising within me. I felt a strong desire to move, dance and be active. None of the weakness, tiredness and exhaustion that had been bothering me lately.
But I can’t allow myself to eat like this. If I do, I will gain weight and I can’t gain weight and be happy. I saw it at Christmas and I saw it now: As soon as I gained a few kilos, I felt uncomfortable, huge, heavy and ugly. I didn’t want people to see me because it felt like ‘this is not who I am’, this is not how I want to be seen.
Once I was back to 150 lb., I was relieved and felt more like myself again. And I knew that I wanted to lose more weight. But I also knew that I didn’t want to feel hungry and deprived, weak and tired all the time. It should not be such a struggle. And I thought about last summer and autumn when I was full of energy and lost weight relatively easily. It was working then, but it isn’t working now. What am I doing now? What had I been doing then? Is it my mood that changed my behaviour or did my behaviour cause this change of mood? Now: I was sleeping less, eating less calories and carbs, eating only from noon to night and doing something I am not ready to admit that may or may not influence weight loss. Then: I was eating more, eating treats, eating breakfast more often than dinner, sleeping more and not doing that something I mentioned.
Most articles I have read recently say that as weight and body fat decrease, weight loss becomes harder. That we need to be more strict, train harder, eat less calories and less ‘junk’ and deal with more cravings and resistance from our own bodies that want to hold on to the fat. So, naturally I tried to do that. I added intermittent fasting and calorie cycling as an experiment, but during the time I used these tactics, nothing happened.
I have decided to go back to the behaviour that worked: Eat more, be less strict about healthy food and sleep more. I am currently eating 1850 calories per day and have started eating breakfast again. The only other guidelines I follow are: 100g of protein, 200g of fruit and 300g of vegetables at least. I love fruit and vegetables and things with protein. But I also love sweets, pizza and anything doughy. It isn’t easy to find some balance. And I have no idea how I will ever be able to move from this controlled, restricted way of eating without gaining back weight. It is something I worry about. But there is no use in thinking about it, since I’m not there yet.
I promised myself to stick to my calories until the 22nd of May when I will hopefully (HOPEFULLY, OH PLEASE, DINAH!) be able to go to Pyne. An irrational part of me thinks that maybe if I’m ‘good’ I will be ‘rewarded’ by Dinah being able to bear me for the weekend. I do feel so powerless in this situation. She has so much hold over me. I don’t know if I could forgive her if she took Pyne away from me this year. We haven’t seen each other for 23 months. She wanted to take a look at me some time, but hasn’t managed it yet. And I fear very much that she won’t make it in time. I’m trying not to fear and worry, but it just seems unlikely. The best I can do is try to be positive and think of something else.