Spring has truly arrived. The apple trees outside my window blossomed overnight. The magnolias are already dropping their petals. Such lovely things, flowering magnolia trees, but so brief. I notice wisteria flowering everywhere and they always remind me of glimpses I had into courtyards in France when we were on holiday. The streets are getting shady with the unfolding leaves of the trees. I used to hate this sudden change when I was younger and fat and hated summer. Now, I love it. The leaves are small and soft and still untorn, unstained and perfect. When I walk to work, I see the morning sun shining through the young beech leaves overhead. I love lindens and birches (though they make me sneeze) and firs and pines. And lilac bushes. Especially white ones. They are not yet blossoming, so I still have something to look forward to. But beeches must be my favourite trees. Their shape is so harmonious; they are always beautiful, from the smallest sapling to the largest tree. There is a huge old copper beech that I can see from my window which stands in a garden opposite the restaurant at the corner. It has not been cut and crippled but is spreading its branches in perfect beauty in every direction. On Tuesday, June and I had dinner there and I looked out of the window and there was a new moon and the evening star shining in a perfect, dark blue sky, glittering through the branches of the beech that were still bare. Such. Beauty. A perfect moment.
This is what I want: To finish losing weight and start maintenance. (And to be happy, healthy, beautiful, rich, loved, blessed in every way, and of course a wonderful dancer). To have a definite shape and size with which I can identify and for which I can buy clothes and dance wear. I have been trying out a few weight loss strategies with little success during the last few months. Now I’m sick of failure and frustration and doubts. I would like to have some help and motivation and RESULTS and then be done with it.
The thought of re-joining Weight Watchers has been in the back of my mind until I saw a new advertisement last week and began actively considering it. They have a new kind of paying system that is cheaper. And if I reach my goal weight and maintain, I will be able to go to meetings for free in the future. The meetings, the feedback and motivation have helped me before. It’s a sensible program. So, it is decided: I’ll rejoin. And I will commit to it and give the program a true chance. I’ll count points and follow the guidelines FIRST and only count the calories and protein out of curiosity. While the old strategies worked, I was afraid to abandon them and truly follow WW. But now, after two and a half years of weight loss, I want some change. I want something new to think about and try and get excited about.
There is a meeting tonight and I’ll go and join and commit.
Another thing I finally tackled was a doctor’s appointment. I want to know if everything is ok with me. The doctor examined me and took a blood sample. She was impressed with my weight loss. (Many people are. I tend to get frustrated and impatient and feel fat and self-conscious if I gain a few pounds, but I must remember that I did achieve something extraordinary). I told her about the tiredness, the loss of energy and strength while training, the amenorrhoea and feeling cold. And I asked her if it was ok to lose more weight. She said yes, so there is nothing in the way of ‘Project Finish Weight Loss’. She is going to test my blood for a lot of possible problems. One thing she mentioned was hypothyroidism. I don’t know if it would be a good thing to get such a diagnosis. On one hand, all my problems could be solved by a pill. On the other hand, I hate the thought of anything being wrong with my body. I want to be whole and healthy. We’ll see what the blood will show.
I feel hopeful and new and spring-y.