Sad

It has come to my attention that I am miserable. I would like to lie down and cry and cry. There isn’t even a good reason. Basically, it’s just a feeling of hating myself. All the circumstances of my life seem to prove that I am… worthless, bad, I don’t know. I’m lonely and selfish. I will probably never know love and true friendship. People don’t like me and men don’t want me. At almost thirty, I’ve never even been kissed. I’m stiff and boring and cold in social situations. I’m fat and ugly and have flabby skin. I say I want to be thin but am back to binge eating. I am too weak and afraid and incapable to have a career. I dance very badly and don’t put in the work to improve. I waste my time and money and am making a fool of myself, pursuing this pointless goal of ballet. I’m just an ugly, crazy, abnormal person. Everything seems grey and hopeless.

I’d like to have somebody hug me and comfort me and give me the love and support I can’t give myself, but I feel that I don’t deserve it and I hate admitting how I feel because I don’t want to seem weak and needy. I blame myself for being sad. I should be able to choose positive thoughts and turn my mood around. I’m too old to need this kind of help. I am afraid of being depressed or going insane.

***

Often, misery feels like a relief compared to growing unease. It feels good to honestly say it out loud. To allow myself to be this negative for once, instead of always acting as if everything was all right. When I’m really down, I don’t care anymore how I come across. This brings me a strange feeling of peace, almost solace. It has often been the turning point. Sometimes, when you’re falling, you have to fall all the way down and hit the bottom before it is possible to get up again.

I want to feel HAPPY again, full of life and energy and movement, light and shining. I want to like myself and be able to have honest, real relationships, to open and show myself without showing off, to take a real interest in my opposite. I want to feel pure, and brave, and like a mirror (or a magnifying glass) for the beauty of the world.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Friends, Health, Law of Attraction, Love, Moment. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Sad

  1. Huuug! Hey, I know how you feel! I promise, a lot of people have felt like that at one point or another. Change is hard, and it only gets harder the older you get- things that seemed hard to change when I was a teenager, are much harder now (I’m 26). But change is possible. In dance, and in life. I was in a horrible place, and it took me 3 years to get to sort-of-good place again. And then I had to repeat the circle. I had a friend whom I was trying to encourage that she can change too, and it seemed to her it will never happen- but year and a half down the road and she is in a bit better place. We both still have stuff to figure out, but, life is like that. It takes a lot of effort to change, but you can do it. However, hearing all the details you mentioned and having felt similar at times, I do think you are somewhat depressed. That’s not such a bad thing to know. Once you know the issue you can start working on healing yourself. May be it’s something to look into, it may help you solve some of how you feel. That is important,. too, because some of what you feel is keeping you in a bad place (for example you don’t like yourself, so you can’t get yourself to eat properly or something). Also remember that when you feel this way it feels that everything is just wrong, and you kind of want to check out of your life and just get a different, better life, all at once. But change is a gradual thing. Trying to change all at once will probably make you feel worse. Make a list of things you’d like to change, and tackle just one of those. And whichever one you chose, break is down in small steps, and take it one step at a time. Good luck!

  2. Olivia says:

    Hug from me too! You have been pushing yourself for years and made many changes- some large and some small. It is normal to hit periods of darkness and I agree, recognizing them is a major starting place. I am worried your depression is past the point of you handling it alone– maybe there is a person to work with/counselor? Just hold on, there are ups and downs to life, be sure to seek help if you continue to feel hopeless.

    • annalienor says:

      There is Mrs. H, she is a kind of counsellor or therapist, and I did talk to her and to a friend and to my mother. I complained to everybody, lol.
      It’s a bit better now. Thank you!

  3. hyysterika says:

    You are not alone. I’m also almost 30 and have hit a major rough patch. I don’t really have anything helpful to say, as I’m dealing with depression, but just know you aren’t alone. *hug*

    I try to remember that everything is temporary. It helps sometimes.

    -BearikaBallerina

  4. Kristen says:

    Stop looking for things that are “wrong” with your or different. God made you perfect…just the way you are. Be YOU and you’ll attract people that like you for you. Trust me. There is someone for everyone….And remember the footprints poem….The time you have seen only one set of footprints is when I carried you. You are unique and loving because God put that in your heart already.

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