My parents and I are spending this week in Pyne and I would like to write about every day so I can remember it.
I left work on Friday on a good note. I have been feeling more comfortable at work lately and as if I could be more open and human and part of the team. I went to AS for ballet class. The week before had been horrible, my confidence had been so low that I’d left class and felt like the worst dancer in the world and gone home and binged. But this week I held my own, managed to do a few good turns and show some expression. And I truly enjoyed it. After class, I hopped on the cross trainer and did HIIT and then stretched. My energy was high and it was lovely. Then I went shopping and packed a little and went to bed.
Saturday was Day 0
I woke up spontaneously before six, got up and finished packing, cleaned the bathroom and did all the little things that need to be done. I had never gone away for so long since I moved out two years ago. My sisters Sissy and Dinah are staying home and Sissy will come to feed and check on my cat. When I got hungry, I bought a bagel at the shop next door and made myself a nice breakfast. I had been dieting very strictly all week and didn’t want to start the holidays with eating too much and feeling bad. Food is difficult for me at the moment and I had decided to do what feels best for me and not be so hard on myself. I went out and bought some food for a healthy lunch to eat on the journey. My parents were a little late, so when I had vacuumed and cleaned and packed and there was nothing to do, I tuned the harp and played a little for the first time in months.
We finally drove off around noon. During the drive, we noticed that the air conditioning in the car doesn’t work. This is a little unfortunate because it will be extremely hot in Valais this week. Apart from this, the drive was quite pleasant. I love seeing the mountains and lakes and the huge sky and just getting out of the city for a change. When we arrived, we bought food for the weekend. I craved all the food, of course. I have noticed that I tend to get anxious in grocery stores. But since I wasn’t alone, it was much easier and I could concentrate on the shopping list. We arrived at the chalet. It looked just as it had last month. I was in a strange mood and couldn’t appreciate the beauty of the surroundings that evening. We unpacked and made the beds and I made a delicious warm salad for dinner.
After dinner, even though I felt physically satisfied, I had horrible cravings. Because my parents were there, I was ashamed to eat all the biscuits or food we had brought, but I did end up eating all three bars of chocolate I had brought, as well as some of the shared food (in normal, unsuspicious amounts). I didn’t know what to do after that, and I didn’t want to deal with it, so I went to bed. There were lovely stars outside, but my head was full of food and guilt and I had no room for beauty.
Sunday, Day 1
I had vaguely thought I might get up early and go for a walk, but I didn’t force myself to get up and woke after eight. My parents were still asleep. I felt better, not too guilty or fat, and well rested. I put on some sports clothing and took my iPod and went up to the brook path, walking fast. When I felt myself warming up, I stopped by a bench to stretch. One of my regular stretches involves hanging off a barre in a squat, so I wanted to do that. The bench wasn’t fastened to the floor, however, and tipped and I landed hard on my bottom (ouch!). Thank goodness nobody saw me. I hate looking foolish. Then I went on.
The brook path is a narrow, winding path that runs straight beside a brook, shaded by firs and surrounded by meadows and rocks and trees. It is incredibly beautiful and I love it and often go for walks there. This time, I ran. I sometimes have the urge to run, and I often dream of running on my toes and never growing tired. I had considered running but decided against it because of the impact. Years of being obese have already stressed my joints and I wanted to save them for ballet and dance until I’m eighty, so I always used the cross trainer. But now I was there on this lovely path with the energy of lots of food in my body and music in my ears and beauty all around and I just started running. Lightly, sometimes on my toes, skipping over roots, slowing to a walk when the path was tricky or I needed a rest. It was magical. I just didn’t grow tired! I ran and ran, sometimes fast when I felt like it, sometimes slowly, sometimes walking. But I didn’t sweat a lot and didn’t get very out of breath and my legs felt light and strong, just like in my dreams. I must have run for at least 40 minutes, judging by the songs I listened to. Coming down the hill again, I had to restrain myself from running on because I didn’t want to run downhill on tarmac with my simple shoes, but I could have gone on. It was such a wonderful experience. I’m still not sure if it would be wise to start running regularly, but I’m considering it again.
Back at the chalet after a shower, we ate breakfast and then I did the washing up, stretched a little and did some knitting. We had decided to go for a short forest walk down in the valley towards evening when it would be less hot. We were a little lazy, lying around, napping, reading until five. The walk was pleasant, but I really felt my legs now! They just felt tired. We walked past some ponds with reeds and lots of frogs, but it was too early in the day, the light was still too bright to be beautiful and it was quite hot. I had always seen the forest from high up by the chalet and imagined it as some dark, cool, mysterious place, so I was a little disappointed. We had something to drink at a restaurant and there was a swing, so I swung a little. Then we drove back and Father made dinner and I ate a lot, but didn’t binge and didn’t eat in secret all day. It was a good day regarding food. I could think of other things and felt good about myself. I went outside after dinner and sat on the pebbly steps beside the chalet with my laptop, sometimes watching the moon and the stars coming out in the growing twilight. It had been a lovely day and I felt full of energy for the most part of it. Then I went to bed and fell asleep early.