Today was the last day in Pyne. It was warm and humid when I got up and I felt sad and ugly. And I was tired and felt too heavy to exercise. In fact, I almost went back to sleep, but I knew that I would deeply regret it and feel even worse if I did, so I went up to the brook path anyway. And as I began to run, the energy came back and I felt light and strong once more. I really enjoy running, it’s lovely! I ran and ran, longer than ever before, because I wanted to run to all my favourite pieces of music. The path seemed more beautiful than ever before, maybe because I knew that today was the last time I could be there. I tried to enjoy it and say goodbye on a good note. On the walk back down the hot road to the chalet, as the song in my ears seemed to say exactly what I was feeling at that moment “…only then I am human, only then I am clean…”, I lifted my wet face up to the sun for a moment and wept. I feel cleanest, purest, most alive and worthy and beautiful when I MOVE. To music. Surrounded by beauty. There is nothing wrong with me then. I am complete; I am ENOUGH.
Now, I only have to find this in my everyday life…
At the chalet, we had a last cozy breakfast. My parents had another short social occasion and had to leave for a few hours. The rest of the day really wasn’t very pleasant or interesting. I showered, packed, tidied up and began to take the sheets off the beds and pack the kitchen supplies. When my parents came back, we had lunch and then finished packing and loading the car. I hate this stage of leaving Pyne. Everybody is tense and running around shouting questions and answers that never seem to reach the right person. I managed to find a few seconds to sit down on the bench in front of the house one last time, lay my face against one of the pillars and stroke the mantelpiece, saying goodbye to Pyne. The longer I stay here, to more it hurts to leave.
Now I am in the car (still without air-conditioning, so I’m wearing sunglasses and a scarf around my head like a turban, and the wind rushes against me, but it’s still too hot). This week was lovely and relaxing in some ways, but difficult and painful in others. I definitely feel renewed and refreshed. I have grown and learned and looked at new things both in the world and within myself. It was a good decision to write every day, both to remember this week and to reflect. Writing forces me to think things through more thoroughly, as my brain is sometimes lazy and stops at half-formed thoughts.
As for plans for next week: I will probably restrict calories a lot until I feel a little better in my skin, but will increase if I am in danger of binge eating. I’ll go back to ballet and my usual training, but look into maybe running in the forest on weekends or try out running on a treadmill. Ultimately, I want to get back to 150 lb. or 140 if I can. I feel ok at that weight. But I definitely want to find a way to like myself regardless of size. Whenever I had periods of liking myself, I lost weight effortlessly while self-hatred leads me right into the binge eating spiral.
Anyway: here are some pictures from the journey home: