So, I had the first date of my life yesterday and it was not a success. It was worse than I had imagined it in some ways and better in others. I wasn’t really nervous on the days leading up to it. It only struck me yesterday morning that I really was going to meet a real man for the express purpose of getting to know him and finding out whether we could be partners. Such a strange concept!
We had exchanged a few emails and arranged the meeting by text message. In his writing, he was sloppy with grammar and punctuation and didn’t have anything original or interesting to say. He didn’t look attractive to me in his pictures and I only agreed to meet him because it seemed fair to give him a chance and because I wanted to practice. It’s bad enough to go on a date, no need to make the first one with somebody I really want to impress. Of course it would be wonderful to have the first date, first kiss, first everything with the one person I will eventually end up with, but I know this is very improbable.
We agreed to meet down by the lake for a walk and a drink. After work, I was really nervous. I did not use more makeup than usual or wear anything unusual so as not to have more things to worry and feel uncomfortable about. I would have liked to wear shoes with heels to look better, but because I knew he was hardly taller than I, I didn’t.
I walked down to the lake and listened to music to get rid of some of the tension. When I saw him, he seemed very short indeed. Either he had lied about his height or my shoes were still too high. Anyway, I felt too tall and large next to him. He wasn’t scrawny, more a little pudgy, but seemed small. He had nice brown eyes, thinning dark hair and a pale, rather round face. I was insecure about how to greet him, shake hands, embrace, do nothing, but he leant in for kisses on the cheek, which seemed ok. He had a sort of sharp smell about him, just like the study partner I had in University, which was very unpleasant.
We spent two hours together, walking along the lake, sitting down for a drink and walking back to where we had met. The whole time, I was more or less bored and trying to be polite. I noticed that his nails were too long and not clean. And the smell, as I said. The positive thing was that there were no awkward silences. He talked the whole time, mostly about himself, his job, hobbies, books and films. When he asked me something or I tried to steer the topic to something we had in common, he was remarkably quick and thorough in returning to his former topic. He didn’t seem nervous at all, so I suspect that is just the way he is. He didn’t seem passionate about anything but collecting stamps and maybe the books and TV shows he liked. He didn’t seem interested in me as a person. He was very indecisive as to where to stop, where to sit, what to get. I decided most of the time and felt strange about it, too dominant. He did pay for my drink, but made a slight joke about it that made me feel bad, sort of indebted to him, and made him seem stingy. The drinks were really cheap, too. Maybe he noticed it because he talked a lot afterwards, but it just felt awkward. Towards the end of the walk, he just slowed down his steps until we almost stood still, but I had to start saying goodbye. I thought that since we had said hello with kisses on the cheek, we should say goodbye the same way. He hesitated for a second, but we got it over with and walked away in opposite directions.
The feeling afterwards was one of relief and slight embarrassment and general anticlimax. The first date, and it was so… blah. I felt sorry for him because he seemed so small and insecure and pathetic, and I felt guilty for not being able to like him and find him attractive. Compared to him, I felt too large, too alive, too sensitive and intelligent and even too beautiful (in my own way). It was a strange mixture of self-confidence and embarrassment. I hope he didn’t like me, either. It would make it easier.
Oh, it is all so complicated and difficult! I have another date on Sunday with a teacher. We agreed to go running together and then maybe have lunch. He’s taller, and we talked on the phone for a short time. He seems a little boring as well, but I’m going to give him a chance. I think this is something I need to practice and just do, do, do. Meet people, find out what I like, practice how to be myself in spite of anxiety.