I Know Nothing

Oh, I feel so weird! I know I said this dating business is exciting, but it seems to me that I give it too much importance. My thoughts revolve around the topic and around the two men who are currently going out with me. One is Tom and he’s my favorite. The other one is Joel. We met on Sunday and while I really enjoyed having drinks in a hip tower bar with a view over the lake and mountains and walking through the old town in the golden sunshine, he bored me. I kept asking him questions, digging a little, but hit rock every time. There just doesn’t seem to be anything underneath his layer of niceness. He keeps writing friendly text messages and they make me feel kind of liked and warm inside, but even those are boring. Tom is much less communicative and seems colder or more distant, but I think about him more often. And I don’t think it’s just that he makes himself seem mysterious, I think he has more substance as a person. At the moment, I am more attracted to Tom and want to know him better. I wish I could be certain that he likes me and is attracted to me and maybe has feelings for me. Then I would dare to show some of my own. At the moment, we both only smiled and looked at each other and said that we had enjoyed our time together and that we are looking forward to the next meeting. I have no idea whether I am his fiftieth date and he has a handful of women he is just as interested in or wether I am the most special woman he has met for a long time. It shouldn’t make a difference to me, it shouldn’t influence my self-esteem and behaviour, but it does. A part of me can see my beauty and the things I have to give, and thinks he could, too. And a part of me sees my inexperience, my fear, my weirdness and ugly parts and thinks that there are so many women who are more intelligent, more normal and much more beautiful. I know that I have to be brave and risk something if I ever want to have love, but it is so hard. These two parts are at war and their voices are very loud in my head. And there is a third voice, the voice of doubt, that tells me I am only interested because there is nobody else and I’m starved for any form of affection.

It’s infuriating. What do I want? Why? What do they want? Who am I? Who are they? How do I want to be? Oh, I don’t KNOW!

For the moment, I am going to try and stop wondering and daydreaming and just use the energy and excitement of this new phase for my other goals: working, growing as a person, getting thinner, improving in ballet, and being a good friend.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
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