Since Tom wrote to me saying he thought I was ‘really great’, things have progressed. That small sign from him gave me the confidence to be more open. I asked him on the next day what he thought about text messages, whether they annoyed him, and he said no. I then did something brave and said I would like to write to him more, but hadn’t until now because I didn’t want to disturb him. He answered that he would like that and said that apparently, we had both been thinking the same. So was this the reason for the long silences? I hope so. Anyway, we have been writing busily all weekend and I feel so happy and much closer to him. I’m still not certain how attracted I am, and still find it difficult to imagine, but I do definitely like him as a new friend.
He said he would like to go on walks with me on weekends when he doesn’t have to work so much, and suggested showing me his town. We agreed to meet again next Thursday for a walk in the old town here and a visit to a quaint café I know. Right now, I feel a wish to throw my arms around him and give him a big hug when we meet. I just feel a warm affection for him and can’t stop thinking of him. A part of me is ashamed of that and thinks I am behaving like a silly teenager. But I’m just happy and trying to savour it while it lasts.
The weather is cold and grey and melancholy, but I’m immune to it right now. I felt quite cramped at home during the weekend, being only in my room with so much extra stuff, so I made an effort to go out and enjoy the daylight. On Saturday, after ballet class and eating too much and getting angry at myself, I went for a walk by the lake and to the playground to swing. And yesterday, I went for a nice long run in the forest, all the way down to the Sun Mountain. It was glorious, I had so much energy! I ran very fast towards the end and it made me feel euphoric, like flying. And I went home and told Tom about it.
It is important for me to have a partner I can talk to, share my experiences and ideas and be open with. Ideally, I would want to be good friends as well as lovers. I don’t know if my ideas of a relationship are naive or idealistic. Maybe they will change. And as I said, I don’t know about Tom. I’m just trying to relax and enjoy and learn.