The thoughts about Tom don’t seem to get less. I think about him while I work, travel and before I fall asleep. It only stops when I have to really concentrate or when all thinking stops, for example in ballet class. I think about him in terms of wondering what kind of person he is, how he thinks, what shaped him, what he might hide or accentuate and why. I think about him in terms of potential boyfriend, even if I don’t want to. If only things were clear between us! If I knew there was attraction, I could let myself go a little, let the unstable attraction I feel grow, have daydreams without constantly feeling silly, and be confident enough to be more relaxed, maybe even tease him or flirt. If I knew he wasn’t attracted to me, I could stop the thoughts along these lines and prevent myself from making a fool of myself (even if only in my head and in my journal). And I could go back to the online service and look for somebody else, which I haven’t done for a few weeks now. Tom and I could be good friends, I think. I really like him and we have a lot in common and share common interests.
But then all these meetings and messages between us don’t really make sense if he isn’t attracted to me. Or do they? I have talked about it to everybody who would listen, Mrs. H, Mother and Sissy, June, Melina, even to my ballet teacher, Franca. Their advice is always either to wait, to just ask him, tell him or take the first step. I can only wait and am too much of a coward to do anything else. Although I try to be bold in my writing to Tom. For example: I told him I liked the way he wrote sleepy-sounding ‘good morning’s. Or when he apologised for taking a long time to answer (a thing I had done before and to which he had replied that no apology was needed), I wrote: ‘You don’t have to! We don’t take this the wrong way anymore, do we?’ (It sounds awkward in English). And I never hold back saying it was good to see him or I’m looking forward to the next date. Just little ways of expressing the warmth and closeness I sometimes feel, without betraying more.
IS there really more? Or am I just projecting all my built-up affection, tenderness and wishes onto him, because he’s THERE? This is the great question that keeps bothering me. Is it just because he was the first? Just because he is the best from a very small group? Oh, I don’t know, I don’t know!
Just now, I talked to Mrs. H again. She said that from what I tell her, I hide any sign of attraction from Tom. She said that just as I am waiting for a sign from him, he must be waiting for one from me. I know this must be true, IF he’s attracted, but he is the man! Isn’t the man supposed to be brave and take the first step? Mrs. H said yes, maybe, but that the woman must give a clear sign first. This is hard… I HAVE thought about maybe laying my head on his shoulder if the cinema seats allow it. And I’m going to tell him how glad I am that he made that first contact and that we know each other.
And I’m going to ask him if he’s hungry and maybe eat something with him. Apart from that dinner on the second date, we never ate together even though we spent whole evenings and afternoons together. He can see that I’m overweight, so I obviously eat. And he’s alive, so he must eat, too. I just always felt ashamed somehow of admitting hunger. Another strange fear I want to get rid of. It was different with Joel, because he’s a little pudgy himself and he told me right away that he didn’t think I was overweight and from then on we talked about food, recipes etc. and I never felt that awkward. It’s just that I feel too tall and fat compared to Tom anyway, and he doesn’t seem to think food important, so I don’t want him to associate me with eating and hunger. But IF he’s attracted to me, IF we get closer, I don’t want to act fake and not eat around him and pretend. Food is a huge thing in my life, a comfort, a pleasure, a war zone. I love it and hate it and have yet to make peace with it. He’ll have to understand that one day, IF.
For the last day or two, either my figure or my perception of it changed. I can just accept myself at this weight and shape now and will try to be less strict with dieting from now on, and NOT binge anymore. I think that with my current good, interested and energetic mood, combined with being ok with my size, I should be able to slowly lose the rest of the weight and get back to around 150lb. I’m at 166 now. But really, as long as I’m below 70kg, I’m going to be satisfied. These last few months have been very hard and humbling, but have taught me so much. My body will never look the way I want it to, no matter what I do. It will never be perfect. But it’s alive, it’s healthy, it has strength and speed and sometimes grace, and even beauty in certain parts. I’m GRATEFUL for all this, for all it has put up with, has done for me and allowed me to experience. It’s time to start loving it, too.