Tom has introduced me to the music genre of symphonic metal. I really like it. It creates a mood within me that I used to feel years ago, but is also partly new. Epic, story-like, fantastic, dramatic, dreamy, a little magical, full of energy, everything. I used to think that I was too grown up or worldly to feel like this. But now that I do, I enjoy it. And I tell myself that I am not too old, will never be too old, to feel this way. After all, I want to be young at heart and swing on playgrounds and dance when I’m eighty.
And the music and the mood fit the time of year, autumn, with its melancholy and dreamy, magical moments. It helps me to see autumn in a new light. When I was younger, I loved autumn, I loved the melancholy, the falling leaves and mists. The dark and cold didn’t bother me. Then everything changed during the last few years. The dying year, growing darkness and cold depressed me, the melancholy seeped into my soul. It was harder than at other times of the year to close my eyes to things like loneliness, the passing of time, mortality, loss and decay. I had years when it didn’t touch me often and I was mostly full of energy, but I have dreaded autumn ever since. This year especially, after I started running and being outside more, it bothers me that the days are getting so short and cold. And I was afraid of falling into a depressed phase without things like sunlight and warmth to help me fight it. Thankfully, this hasn’t happened until now. And I think I have grown enough to be able to see autumn in a new light. During a run in the forest on Sunday, all I saw was exquisite beauty. The sun was already sinking, the leaves were less golden and more brown than last week, the trees were more bare. There was a certain melancholy, but not the black, hopeless kind.
It’s hard to feel hopeless at the moment. There is this great thing, love, that I am finally addressing. I have taken real steps in that direction and feel as if love was waiting for me in the near future. There is Tom, and I wonder if it will be him. I want it to be him. I like him SO much. Getting to know him is so stimulating. I suddenly think about things that used to scare me or make me uncomfortable. And now I think them through and ENJOY thinking! I also find myself examining vague feelings and turning them into ‘real’ thoughts and ideas. I read new kinds of books, watch new films and listen to new music. It’s not that I am leaving everything I was behind, but I’m growing, or coming out of a long sleep. He is waking me up. Maybe he could wake up more than just my mind.