Here Goes

This morning while getting ready and having breakfast in my new kitchen, a thought came into my mind and it has become more than just a thought pretty fast: I thought about asking Tom directly if he wanted to be just friends or more, and I composed the question and wrote it down. Ideally, I would ask him face to face, or one of us would give a sign and things would develop from there. But I’m such a coward and so insecure, I could never get my question across. If I ask in writing, I can make it sound exactly as I want it to. And he has the time and privacy he probably needs to consider and answer it. So I decided to ask him in writing, probably on a day when we are both not too busy and tense. The kiss-on-his-birthday scenario still seems very alluring, so it would have to be next week.

Then I went on a long run in the forest and had time to think, in my best frame of mind. It was glorious weather, very clear. There was a breeze that blew the leaves off the huge trees overhead and I felt a bit like in a film, epic, and so incredibly alive. When I came home, I told Tom about my lovely run and asked how he was feeling, because I had a question to ask. Now he’s written back, saying he was feeling good and was curious, and what the question was.

Part of me regrets having been so impulsive and mentioned the question when it was such a fresh idea in my mind. Is this really how I want it to go? But it’s too late to turn back now. I’m going to ask. And I’m practically going to tell him that I am attracted to him, which is so scary: I will tell him that he can’t give me a wrong answer. If he gets angry because of the difficult situation I put him in, or says he isn’t attracted to me, I’m obviously going to feel very bad. But just a few days ago, I said I would be able to handle it…

I just wanted to preserve this last moment of open possibilities, so I wrote this entry first. But I’m going to do it now. Here goes.