Two Days

Thursday:

I feel as if I should be happier than I am, as if I should have boundless energy and sweet daydreams about Tom, but I don’t. Yesterday, I even felt exhausted and unmotivated at work and skipped ballet to give myself a rest day and sleep more. I feel better today and will do my usual Thursday training of cross trainer workout and beginner ballet class. It will do me good to work on slower jumps.

Since Tom is so busy, I suggested meeting for lunch now and then to save time but still get to see each other. So we met today, he came over to my building and we ate in the cafeteria. I was more nervous and shy than before because of the new understanding between us. He had rolled up his sleeves and the tattoo on his forearm was visible (it’s really beautiful, even though I’m not a fan of tattoos), and the bones and muscles in his arms. I thought he looked particularly good while I was in my work clothes that do nothing for my body and look like pyjamas and my hair was up, although in a looser style than I wear for everyday work. It’s strange to see how getting to know and care for a person can make them seem more and more beautiful. Objectively, he isn’t good-looking at all. Not very ugly, either, but definitely not the type of man I usually find attractive, which is tall and long-legged, with hair, maybe even long hair. We were sitting by a window in the sun and I was rather shy, not looking into his eyes much, but at his hands and arms and his mouth. We smiled at each other a lot, but neither of us alluded to the topic of romance. I was glad he didn’t try to take my hand or anything, because all my colleagues could see us and it would have been too awkward to enjoy. Below the new shyness, I felt a sweet and hopeful affection for him and just enjoyed his presence. It’s wonderful to have all this potential between us, but no doubts anymore, and no hurry, either.

I had written a card for his birthday next week. In it, after the usual good wishes, I had written that I liked him very much and that he was a wonderful human being and how enriching our acquaintance was. But I was too shy to hint at anything romantic. It’s there between us I think, but not yet in the foreground. Since I don’t know his address, I gave him the card and told him to open it on his birthday. And I told him I wanted to come and see him for a few minutes that evening because I wanted to give him something (still thinking about the kiss scenario). He said he didn’t expect me to give him a gift, but that we could have dinner together that night. This threw me off for a moment. That day of the week is usually his busiest and most tiring and the next day he has to get up very early, so he likes to go home and go to bed. He’s sensitive to sleep deprivation. So I didn’t expect him to want to spend the evening with me. But after thinking about it, it is really flattering. It’s his thirtieth birthday and he wants to spend it with me. Not his family (they are not close) or his friends (not sure how many he has and how close they are), but me.

My plan had been to meet him, tell him I wanted to give him something, a kiss, if he wanted. To kiss him and then maybe tell him that was my first kiss. My (and our) first kiss as his birthday present; nicely dramatic and symbolic. I like the idea, and I think he likes such things as well. But it would have felt like quite a big step, from zero to kiss without anything in between. So maybe this is even better. Maybe at dinner, he will take the initiative like he mentioned in his messages, or I may touch his hand or something. I hope he will kiss me, because I don’t know what I’m doing. If he doesn’t kiss me by the time we part however, I will do it, if at all possible. It’s either that or wait until Christmas.

***

Friday:

It’s weird how my own perception can differ from somebody else’s. Tom wrote me a message last night saying he hadn’t noticed that I was nervous and that my work clothes were very becoming. That’s the first compliment about my appearance he has paid me since we first met. He told me my photos were pretty before, when we were only writing. Since he told me he wanted to be more than friends, I obviously know he finds me attractive in some way, but to have him say it like this was very… satisfying, affirming, flattering, yes, but also very refreshing. He said on Sunday he would find it easier to show me what he wants or how he feels now that he knows how I feel about us. I love it when he lets go of his reluctance and surprises me with a very direct and clear statement about what he thinks or wants. It makes him seem more present, more solid and predictable in a good way. I don’t have to wonder and worry about what he thinks in that moment. Hopefully, I will get braver in this respect too. All I dared tell him was that I liked his tattoo. And I wished him ‘sweet dreams’ and ‘good night, dear Tom’ for the last two nights. I want him to know that I have feelings for him, but not overwhelm him or scare him away.

I took the day off today and felt so free! Father came with me to IKEA and we had coffee together and a piece of cake and a rare confidential talk. He has just come back from a long trip by car and ship and told me how it changed and shaped him. And I told him much of what had happened with Tom. I also asked him how he had felt when he fell in love, as a man. I’m still fighting a feeling of shame or inappropriateness when talking about love to my family, but especially Father. It was really good to be able to talk to him in that way. I do love him after all. Sometimes during the last few years, I doubted it.

June came for dinner and I cooked for her in my new kitchen. We talked half the night. The topic of ballet is always something we discuss, but at the moment, we also talk a lot about romance, dating etc. I have never told anybody as much about my experiences, thoughts and wishes as I told her. It’s interesting to hear her experiences, too. We are totally different in this respect. And we discovered that I can actually blush, which I didn’t know before. I also felt a little guilty and as if I was a bad friend. You hear left and right that women fall in love and abandon their friendships. I’m only slightly in love and already notice that tendency in myself, and I don’t like it.

 

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Family, Friends, Love, Moment and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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