Days Before Christmas

Sunday 20 December

Tom came in the evening. I had made a stew. I greeted him and it all seemed strange again. We spent the evening kissing and exploring again.

Monday 21 December

We went to the shop next door together to buy rolls for breakfast. Afterwards we did some more cuddling on the chaise longue. Then we talked some more. He told me about his complicated family. It was easier to talk about this not having to look at him. We went to the cinema afterwards, to watch Star Wars, and held hands on the way and all through the film. I liked the film and liked being visibly connected to Tom. There were groups of taller and handsomer men there and I was sort of proud to give distinction to Tom by holding his hand. He may not look very good, but I chose him.

Then we went to the University cafeteria for dinner and later parted, Tom going to his department and I to AS to do HIIT and stretching. We met again and went to the ballet school, where it was a little awkward at first, and then I introduced Tom to Franca and to Melina, and had to stand in front of him and he watched class. It went rather well, especially the turns, even though I was nervous and hardly dared look at him, and Franca corrected me much more. He seemed to like my dancing and said he thought I was among the best. We went home and I showered and he liked my wet hair, and we cooked a late dinner and then went to bed to do more exploring, and I told him about my trouble with the concept of innocence, and my epiphany that came while writing the last entry, and that I thought I was at peace with it now.

Tuesday 22 December

Another breakfast, and then Tom said he had to go home and get more clothes and things and do some stuff for University. I first almost binged when he was gone, but then cooked lots of veggies and rice and filled up on that, which made me feel a little better, and then went into the city to buy Christmas gifts and food. I bought a black and silver pen for Tom. I think it may be his style, understated, and he will probably find it useful. But it is neither very special nor original. Back home, I went for a run to the lake and also spent some time on the swing. I felt a connection to my old self. It felt a little like a ritual, like a vigil before a rite of passage. Just a short moment where I was conscious of taking an important internal step.

I went home and Tom came and we got ready and went to the casino. He showed me roulette and I first watched and then played a little with his guidance. We took a break and ate dinner and then played some more. I lost all except my last chip which I took home as a souvenir. The croupiers moved with an elegance that I had sometimes seen hints of in Tom when he talked about his work, and I found the idea of Tom working like that incredibly attractive. The quiet authority, the elegant movement of his beautiful hands… It just did something to me.

Wednesday 23 December

We had to get up earlier because Mother would come and take us Christmas tree shopping. She was late and we waited for ages, which made me nervous, and Tom regretted having got up so early. The meeting went well, however, and Mother talked a lot on the way. We found trees pretty fast and drove back. Tom said he liked my mother, and Mother later said she liked him, too, so it’s good. Tom and I set up the tree and then went to have lunch at the cafeteria. We sat there holding hands in plain sight and I felt slightly self-conscious. We also talked about this, and about body weight and image in women etc. Tom said he liked the fact that I ate normally around him, not just picking at a salad like some of his friends. I said I wanted to be authentic, and that he could see I obviously had to eat by my body size and my being alive, so no use pretending. He liked that. I still don’t know if he sees me as being ‘big’ or overweight, and I don’t want to ask him because maybe the thought will put it in his mind in the first place. Anyway, he likes me, so I find it easier to like myself. Tom has very little muscle and quite a layer of fat on him, but because he is so slight, he still seems thin. I love his slender waist in his beautiful shirts. I love his shoulder and collar bones and his tattoos on his thin arms. I love his lips and his fine nose and his delicate hands, his bony knees. He sometimes seems downright beautiful to me now. We got back and lay down on the bed to take a nap. I slept deeply for a time. When we woke up, we cuddled a little. We talked a lot, about our experiences with other people on the dating platform. He told me how he had ‘stalked’ me, that he had been very taken with my first message, that he had REALLY wanted to get to know me, not just written it to flatter as I had feared at first. That he had not really been attracted to any of the women he met, and met only two. I told him about the bad and the not so bad experiences I had had, and that he had always been my favourite. And I told him how secure he had made me feel, implying that he would not possibly ‘run away’ after one or two dates or after a few weeks. We both felt more secure and special afterwards, I think, and much closer. We told each other how happy we were, and he seemed amazed how well we get on, how well it seems to work between us. We can talk about things, we understand each other. He said that once he had to work more and the semester would start again, he wanted to see me more often than last semester. He doesn’t want me to come to his flat because it is old and untidy and his bed creaks, plus it is in another town where I never go while he often comes to the city. He feels at home in my flat and I said I liked having him here and would like him to spend some nights here, would give him space in my wardrobe and bathroom cabinet. It is a big change, but I will adapt. Maybe it means less freedom and more compromises, but the positives far outweigh the negatives. Love is worth it. We laughed, we held each other close, we kissed, and after the whole talk I told him I was glad we hadn’t made love the other night yet, because I felt even closer to him now. From that, we talked a little more about sex, about desire, the way men and women experience it differently. I find it very difficult, but Tom does it well.

We felt hungry, so we got up and cooked and ate and tidied up, and then went back to bed for some more exploration.

Thursday 24 December

We were woken by the electrician who came to install the new doorbell, and then Tom snuggled up to me and made sleepy affectionate sounds and my heart almost melted. Every night, every morning in his arms is sweeter than the last. We grow ever closer, more comfortable and secure. His love gives me confidence and humility. I let him sleep and dressed and made up and went shopping in my heels and felt on top of the world. We had breakfast again and then Tom had to go. He has things to do and work tonight, but will return tomorrow. I was in danger of bingeing again when he was gone, but able to stop and eat something ‘healthy’ and start the washing and later making jam and writing. I want to feel good, and overeating makes me feel bad, so I will not do it. I will indulge and enjoy, but listen to my body and not binge, and then I will not feel guilty and not worry about weight gain. My weight is ok, my body is ok, and Christmas is not the time to lose weight. Tom loves me and finds me attractive as I am. This definitely helps. I have eaten ‘normally’ in the last few days with him and not gained or binged out of control. I must just trust myself.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Family, Health, Love, My Flat. Bookmark the permalink.

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