I had imagined Tom would want to spend every possible second with me as well, and maybe pick me up from work or time his arrival with my own. But he said he would come an hour after I finished work, which made me feel slightly disappointed. I had given up my plan of working out after work and done it during lunch to have time for him and now he would come later? But then I scolded myself for being too… whatever, but too much. What was the use of Tom being here when I had to shower and put away the washing etc. and could not interact with him in that time? I went shopping on the way home and then took a quick shower and was folding the last few socks when Tom rang the bell.
I gave him a quick tight hug and we half kissed. I felt a little nervous and shy, as I have every time we met. But the negative feeling of being far away from him, of loneliness in the middle of an embrace, was gone. We were standing in the living room, hugging. I told him that I had noticed that I was a little depressed, and that the weird feeling of distance that I had tried to explain to him had come from that. He seemed concerned and asked me if I was still depressed and I said no, because in that moment, I wasn’t. I felt waves of love for him, gratitude for his presence, his very existence, the unbelievably wonderful fact that he was here with me and obviously cares for me, likes me, maybe even loves me. There are lots of mirrors everywhere and they usually make me uneasy when I catch glimpses of Tom and me, but now I saw us, saw my own face and Tom’s in profile while we embraced. He was holding me and his eyes were open and his face had a thoughtful expression. Was it on ‘Dr. Who’ where they said that a hug is a good way to hide your face? Anyway, that has often been true in my experience. When Tom and I had parted on New Year’s Eve, I had held onto him in a tight hug and screwed up my face to cry tear- and soundlessly while he didn’t see.
Now I stroked his dear face and the lines around his mouth and then we kissed. Kissing still doesn’t feel like I always imagined it, but there are moments now where it comes close. We stopped kissing only to hold onto each other with tight embraces and I sighed when the intensity of my emotions overcame me, and kissed his cheek and then his lips again. Once I voiced my wonder and asked him if he was real, and he laughed and said that reminded him of the film’Fight Club’ that we had wanted to watch one day. I think he spoiled it for me now, but it doesn’t matter.
I made a quick dinner and we sat down to eat and then had the tiny cake that I had bought in the delicatessen shop on New Year’s Eve. We half discussed playing a game or watching a film, but I knew I wanted to just be with him and kiss and touch him, and he seemed to want the same. It was more chaste this time. There were lots of kisses with slowly growing passion, and at last tongue kisses. I grew hot and took off my thick jumper, but Tom didn’t undress me further. After some time we just held each other. Our bodies were calm, me lying half on his chest, our fingers interlaced, but my mind was full. Oh, I have so many questions! But I feel too inquisitive and keep most of them to myself, wondering silently with my head on his chest. And I wonder that he doesn’t ask me more himself. Is he not curious, or does he feel like me?
After some minutes of resting and cuddling, he said something like: I had to tell him if I wanted something, and asked me if it had been nice? I told him it was nice, and that I still didn’t feel much beyond a certain point. That it was like a block. He said that maybe I could not let go yet. Maybe, I don’t know. Although I do feel as if I was ‘letting go’ in some moments. It is probably my own shyness and bad body-image and STILL misgivings about sexuality, and his reluctance. I hope this aspect will work out one day.
I love the tenderness, the hugging and kissing and lying in his arms, fingers interlaced and legs entangled, or stroking his upper body, his ribs, his neck. Those were the things I dreamed about that are now true. I also like the electricity of desire, the heated kisses, his body on mine, his sounds, the shudders his touches produce. But when it gets more serious, when other body parts come into play, something tenses up in my mind. Something feels, I don’t know, wrong, shameful or dirty or undignified, just off. And I go completely numb. The only solution is to talk to him and tell him what I want. I’m just so shy… And this period of feeling distant has only just passed a little. I don’t know. In a way, it still seems very strange to me to be so close to a random person I just met a few weeks ago. These issues of closeness and vulnerability and strangeness and openness, EVERYTHING, are very complex and I will probably have to work on them, think and learn and grow and come back to them again and again. In this light I am glad that circumstances kept us from making love yet. I wanted it to happen during my holiday, to have time to process it, but now there is no hurry anymore and it may be better this way.
We first almost fell asleep and then got up to drink water and watched a little ‘Big Bang Theory’. When I had to go to bed, Tom joined me. He always takes a shower right before and after sleeping, and sleeps only in shorts. I was in bed, looking at something on my phone, and he came and climbed in with me and we put out the light. I was still (or again) full of wonder and appreciation for him, so I told him he was beautiful (and his tattoos now look like ornaments that make him more beautiful, which most tattoos don’t, in my eyes), and said it was so nice to have him there and he said he felt the same, and we held each other close and finally fell asleep.
Getting up the next morning was not hard, even though we had woken up a few times, since Tom was there with me. He hates getting up early, so it really meant a lot to me that he wanted to join me for breakfast and leave the flat with me. I was much faster getting ready than usual, even with a shower, and after breakfast there was extra time we used for holding each other and kissing in the hall. We walked down hand in hand in the cold under the stars, and said goodbye with a quick kiss. In public. Ok, it was dark and there was nobody who knew me, but still…
It was a strange feeling, going in to work as usual after the night with Tom. Tom is still a little like a foreign body in my everyday life. Time spent with him, especially nights, were always on weekends and now during the holidays, always separate. Now the two parts of my life are coming together more and more. Tom will come again tomorrow night, and we agreed to see each other more often. When the semester starts again and he has early lectures, he can sleep here and we can get up together. It’s not ideal. He works nights at the weekend when I am free, so unless I go to his town we can only meet during the week. A part of me wants to be with him all the time, and another part is glad to have time for ballet, exercise, writing and undisturbed sleep on a few days. And I still feel a little ‘not myself’, or not relaxed around Tom. As nice as it is to be with him, there is a strain and I need to recover from it. Maybe he feels the same? Oh, I need to ask him more questions. And try to relax and trust myself and trust him, to get closer and more comfortable and secure.