A Tom Night

Thursday night was a Tom night again. I went to see Mrs. H in the morning and we talked about a few topics. My impulse to overeat that comes up every time I feel anxious or hate myself or feel any kind of negative emotion. And how it relates to Tom, how I more or less binged every time Tom left. It felt like instant relief when I did it, and I was upset about the fact that I obviously needed to recover from Tom, that being with him was – in retrospect – stressful. I do love him and love spending time with him and also trust him. But there is always an underlying worry that he might find me boring or weird or no longer like me. I obviously want to please him, and while I’m truly trying to be authentic and be myself, I nevertheless unconsciously accentuate the parts of me that I like and want him to see, and hide the parts I don’t like. And this requires an effort and is of course a strain. Plus, our emotional and physical closeness is still very new and exciting and also unsettling. Yes, there are many reasons why being with Tom is more exhausting than being alone. We came to the conclusion that I just have to practice, practice, practice. To check in with myself frequently, remain present, and talk to Tom. If I feel uncertain or have questions, I need to ask him. And I realised that if he doesn’t like my asking (which I worry about and which keeps me from doing it), he is maybe not right for me. The same is true for any other negative aspect of me. It is wrong to hide and act. If we can’t accept or at least live with each other’s full, real character, we are not a good match. That doesn’t mean we can’t change or improve or compromise. But I first have to accept my whole self, not just the aspects that fit my ideal, and then be brave enough not to hide them from Tom, and then I will be able to be relaxed and comfortable around him and no longer need to ‚unwind’ using food.

After the appointment, I went to AS for a short session on the cross trainer and a stretch, and then to work. I hurried home from work to wash my hair and put on some nicer clothes and then met Tom in front of the University building. There is a little walled garden off to the side, with a sculpture in the middle and an unobstructed view of the sky, where I often go to wait for Tom. The rain had stopped and the clouds were moving fast across Orion and Aldebaran and my beloved Pleiades. The moments just before meeting Tom have lately been among my happiest. Apart from my size, I felt at my very best. My mind was full of beauty and poetry and I was looking up at the stars, walking among the pillars of the sculpture. I was looking forward to seeing Tom and at the same time felt the strangeness of the situation again: He is basically a random person, almost a stranger, who is now suddenly my boyfriend and who has come closer to me than anybody else. Then Tom was coming up from the side, but I waited for him to see me in the garden in the dark and only then went towards him. The first few minutes felt weird again. He always holds my hand now whenever we walk anywhere. We had agreed to have dinner in the cafeteria so we didn’t have to cook. There was delicious stew and bread and I could have eaten three helpings, but deliberately concentrated on Tom to forget my stupid cravings. I don’t want my head full of food when there is so much more to life!

We walked back up to my flat and shared some hugs and kisses in the kitchen. Then Tom wanted to give Gina some treats, and we tried to make her get into her pet carrier for the longest time, but she wouldn’t. We sat down on the bed, half-heartedly speaking about watching some film, but ended up kissing again. I wondered if Tom wanted nothing more than kisses, but he kissed me with more passion and held me closer and stroked my hair, and then there were tongue kisses and he stroked my neck and made me shudder. I love those shudders, but Tom sometimes apologises, maybe thinking he has tickled me, so I told him he didn’t have to. And I asked him another question that had been bothering me, namely why he kept his eyes open while kissing. Whenever we kiss and I open my eyes, his are at least partially open. He first asked ‚do I? No’ and then said he didn’t know, maybe he was a control freak. But from then on he closed his eyes when I opened mine.

We held each other and exchanged lazy kisses and caresses, and I said it still seemed strange and overwhelming to be so close to him. I told him that physical intimacy was very foreign to me. That when June had once cuddled with me, I had liked it but it had been utterly weird, not something I had ever considered. Then I asked him how he experienced the closeness, since he wasn’t exactly used to it, either. He said that was true, but that he was used to it now. And I asked him how it had felt with his first girlfriend and he said that when you are so young, it is completely different, that it is all much more animal.

Some time, I said that I still wondered much about him and didn’t know many things. He asked if I was worried about what would turn up, and I said no. Just that one has a picture of a person in one’s head and his was still not complete, had many pieces missing. I said that I had decided to ask questions when they came up. It just sometimes still was strange to be so close to a person I didn’t know very well. He said we had taken it very slow, we had had so many dates before even kissing, and that others had sex after three weeks. I said it seemed incomprehensible to me to be that close after only a few dates. We were wondering how long exactly we had known each other. He counted from his birthday when we first kissed (seven weeks), while I tend to go from our first date (four months). And it’s almost two months since I asked him ‘The Question’. But he said he didn’t think the physical side was the most important thing in a relationship, but many men he knew did. They thought that if it didn’t work in bed, there was no use staying together, so they wanted to get physical very quickly.

There was some silence while we just lay in each other’s arms, and I wondered if cuddling counted as ‘not the most important’ for him, too, and if he enjoyed it as much as I do. For I have so often imagined physical tenderness, have longed for it so much, and now find that I can express and experience my emotions much easier in this way. I asked if the physical side wasn’t most important, what was? He said ‘I don’t know, that it ‘fits’, that you get along. Not having to put on an act.’ I said, ‘to be able to be yourself?’, and he said yes. I thought that I can pretty much be myself around him, but still have to try very hard not to hide my authentic self, but said nothing. I told him about the moment in the café when I had first felt that closeness between us and love for him. He said he hadn’t felt very much then, that it had been too loud downstairs and he had been distracted. I asked him when he had felt especially connected then, and he said several times, for example at dinner. I asked ‘on the second date?’ and he said yes. I said that I’d felt it then, too, but had been strangely more attracted to him then, but in the cafe I truly liked him more.

After another pause Tom asked me when June had cuddled with me (maybe a year ago, no idea) and I am not sure whether he wanted to know if it was after we got together or for some other reason. And whether he was jealous. He told me about a discussion among his friends about whether a woman in a relationship kissing another woman was cheating. He isn’t sure, but I think yes. Even though one has to take intention and orientation into consideration. But basically, kissing anybody else feels like cheating to me. He mentioned his two female friends again. One is a nurse, the other a physiotherapist who has a beauty blog. I said that anyway, I would kiss nobody else but him and he said the same.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
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