Things are still pretty good. I am mostly feeling neutral or happy these days. No idea how long it will last, but I’m enjoying it.
The last time Tom was here was on Thursday. When I walked towards the University, I was strongly reminded of all the dates we had before things were clear between us, and I felt the old nervousness about meeting Tom. He was already there, standing under the trees looking just the way he used to look then. We went to the cafeteria for dinner and I told him about the way I had felt just now. My salad had onions in it and the taste would not leave my mouth all night, no matter what I did. Tom said he didn’t mind, but I know he doesn’t like onions, so I was self-conscious about kissing him and talking close to him. I told him about a thing I had realised that day and discussed with Mrs. H: The fact that I am always criticizing myself, hardly ever feel good enough and have enormous, unrealistic expectations of myself in every aspect of my life. Sometimes, they are downright absurd. It helps to be aware of them, and to counteract them with my reasonable, healthy voice. Tom said he felt the same, but he has learned to not care as much. But I don’t think his inner critic is as crazy and mean as mine is.
We walked back up to my flat and kissed in spite of the onions. And we lay down on the bed and kissed some more. I was a bit shy and reluctant again.We lay on our sides holding each other and hardly spoke. I had questions and declarations and admissions on the tip of my tongue, but because he was silent, and because they seemed too personal or embarrassing (and because of the onions), I said nothing. I held him very very close, however, and we occasionally kissed. But I felt so inadequate and my mind kept screaming at him, ‘WHY do you want to be with me? I’m boring and afraid and ugly. Why?’ I was happy to be in his dear arms and sad at the same time, in a way.
After some time, I could not hold it in any longer and a question slipped out. ‘WHAT do you see in me?’ He looked startled and repeated, ‘What I see in you?’ and I said, ‘Yes, I wonder sometimes,’ in a tone that implied it was a silly and unimportant question. Then he said, ‘You’re so sweet’ and kissed me, and we held each other very close again. I now think it was stupid to ask, because what if he starts asking himself the same question and really thinking about it, and finds there is nothing to see in me. But then I sometimes think that about Tom, too, and doubt if I truly love him. He said nothing else. He doesn’t say much about his feelings, and I feel so shy and undesirable sometimes when I’m with him. We almost fell asleep, so we got up and got ready for bed and went to sleep. I slept more deeply than ever before and was pleasantly surprised to find Tom next to me whenever I woke. It’s lovely to stroke his shoulder or face and kiss him, and he does the same, and we go back to sleep again.
The next day was hard and stressful at work, but successful. I went to ballet class and then stretched and did the strength class, even though I was tired. And then I went to my parents for dinner. June came on Saturday and we ate dinner and talked and stretched together. And I did another strength class and interval training on Sunday, pushing myself, because Monday is now a rest day due to Tom. Food was ok, too. I ate a little more than planned at the weekend, but still at a deficit, and did not binge. The scale shows no loss, but I look thinner and this is very motivating. Belinda also said on Saturday that I look ‘as trim as before’, and said she liked my collar bones. I bought a new pinafore dress that is still a little tight, but this motivates me as well.