I need to write about last Monday night with Tom. It was special. The last few times he had visited, I had felt a little insecure with Tom and wondered if he really loved me and why. But last night was different. From the beginning, I felt closer to Tom and more secure. He hugged me unusually tightly and stroked my head in the kitchen. His physical tenderness, his intensity made me feel more loved than before. No, I could no longer tell myself I was just imagining it, or that he was cool. Here he was, obviously very fond of me. I allowed my own love for him to rise up inside me like a cork that had been held under water. The shyness grew less and I felt more at ease, more secure.
We watched Sherlock after dinner and sat there in front of the blank screen when it was over. Tom put both arms around me and held me against him. He said, ‘I care about you so much.’ I said, ‘me, too.’ We started kissing, chastely and with breaks to hold each other very close. My emotions were very strong and quite confused. There was gratitude and happiness that Tom was here and obviously cared for me very much. There was joyous disbelief. There was love for Tom. There was wonder. I said, ‘I still don’t know why, though,’ and Tom asked, ‘why what?’ and I said ‘why we care for each other.’ But what I had meant to say was why HE cared for me. I didn’t make the mistake of saying that again, however. He said he knew why he cared for me and held me close, but didn’t say why, and I didn’t ask. It seemed too much like fishing for compliments, like insecurity. It was enough to know and feel that he does care for me. More than enough; it was wonderful. We both agreed on that.
I am so incredibly grateful and feel so lucky, and yesterday, I felt as much in love as during my ‘worst’ days. No idea if he also felt the slight tension and distance I felt between us lately, and deliberately acted differently, or if he got advice somewhere, or if it was coincidence or what. But his clear affection freed me from a large part of my shyness and insecurities. Love is so much sweeter without them!
It’s the next day now and I want to be with Tom, to be relaxed and loving and full of fun, to tease him and try things and feel passion. I want to let go of my insecurities and behave as if I fully loved myself. Tom told me he doesn’t mind my body. He showed me that he loves me. I should be able to be more confident. I really want to. But who knows how I will feel by tomorrow.
A part of my current mood are increased cravings and sudden impulses to eat. I am in very great danger of slipping into a binge. And I do not want to! I know all the arguments. I know it’s never worth it. Two nights ago, I dreamed that I had binged and felt intense regret in my dream. I don’t want to feel that way in real life. But it will be very difficult and I am afraid of my own mind right now. I haven’t binged for 16 days. I never really ate above maintenance calories, and often below. Nevertheless, the weight does not budge. I know, I know, numbers should not mean anything. My stomach looks smaller and I like my shape more, but come on! I need some motivation.