It’s Monday and Tom will visit me tonight. I have planned a nice dinner and am looking forward to seeing him, smelling his scent and hearing his soft voice, his cute accent. I want to embrace him and feel his lips on mine, have him press me against him and tell me he missed me, he likes me. And I want to be less scared of telling him things and asking questions. I want to be more confident, but not feel dominant. And I want him to invite me to his flat, to be more open about his friends, maybe introduce us. And his family.
It’s Wednesday and well, a few of my wishes have come true. He did show me plainly that he likes me. He brought a tiny box of heart-shaped chocolates, which we ate after dinner and watching Sherlock. We embraced while cooking and I said I’d missed him and he said he felt the same. And we lay down on the bed later after turning off the TV and cuddled, and kissed a few times. Several times, he stopped kissing and just held me, and I wondered if he felt any desire or not. I didn’t feel much physically, but wanted to explore. His hair was a little longer than before and I often ran my fingers over the stubble. It was a lovely sensation, like handling fine sand or grains. I imagined how it must feel for Tom and wondered if it made his nerves tingle. Somehow I think it would if I was in his place. And I stroked his back, his ribs and chest, his shoulder blades and ears and traced his brows and jaw. There was a feeling of closeness and tenderness, but underneath it was the old insecurity. He also stroked my back and waist a lot. I was wearing a thin blouse and felt it more. After a long time, there was more passion in our kisses and we breathed more deeply. I had been waiting for signs from him that he felt desire, because I didn’t want to seem wanton again. Maybe he did exactly the same? I felt some desire now and our kisses deepened. He also started holding me tighter and moved even closer to me so that our stomachs were pressed together and I felt his expand with each breath. Our bodies were closer than I ever imagined they could be. Maybe it was around that time that he said, ‚You’re such a darling. I care about you so much,’ and I think kissed my forehead or my lips, and I said, ‚Me, too,’ and felt a surge of love and gratitude and held him very close. We stayed like this and I noticed growing tired and dozing off, so I said I was almost falling asleep. After that, Tom started kissing me again. Did he think my remark meant I was bored? Well, it didn’t. But I kissed him back. Anyway, after some more kissing and cuddling, I said I had to get ready for bed because it was very late, even though it was so nice. But I thought (and said) that we could continue to cuddle afterwards until we fell asleep. Was it my imagination, or did he mind? I can’t remember that he said anything or objected. Maybe it was just the fact that I cut short our cuddling session that made me feel a little guilty. Because it really was lovely, even though I worried I was being boring.
I felt more confident and put on a spaghetti strap top to sleep. When Tom climbed into bed after his shower, he remarked that I was wearing less today, and I said, ‚Yes.’ Nothing more, no explanations. They are not always necessary and too many may annoy him, no idea. He often stroked my shoulders and naked arms and it was lovely, and I almost didn’t mind my flabby arms. We kissed and caressed each other and Tom asked playfully if people had ever fallen asleep kissing. Some time around then, I also told him to turn whichever way he wanted and not to feel obliged to always face me. And to get up if he wanted, or to go and eat something if he felt hungry. I want him to feel at ease around me. He lay awake for several hours again (he told me). I felt a bit guilty, although it is his decision to sleep here and get up with me, and to stay in bed when he can’t sleep. I told him he could get up and read or do anything he wanted, I wouldn’t mind. I sleep best when I know he is content. He said he kept thinking about things and watched me sleep (this makes me feel self-conscious). We are going to meet again on Thursday and go to the cinema, so that should be fun.
The last few days have been hard for me. My head and neck hurt and my body feels stiff and tired. I keep thinking of Tom with happiness and gratitude, but also worry that I am boring him. He once told me that night after night at home watching TV with a wife would be horrible for him. And now this ist he fourth week where we meet on the same days, go nowhere except to the cafeteria, do the same things. I would like to go out for fun dates now and again, but don’t want him to have to spend money and want to save my own. And I have so many issues, so many worries and strange insecurities and thoughts concerning love and intimacy that I would like to share and discuss with people, but I’m too afraid. I can talk about some of them to June, some to Mrs. H and some to Mother, but it always feels uncomfortable and embarrassing. I can’t blog about them because who knows who reads this, or who might find out my true identitiy one day. So I write them down for myself and get no feedback and feel alone with everything. And I miss my old life and the things I used to love, swinging by the lake, cardio at AS, ballet class with Franca and Melina, and running. The new year and being with Tom has changed so much. I need to reconnect with my passion for movement and music and beauty. I need to slow down and relax internally, and try to feel what I really need. Food is hard, too. I am eating under 2000 calories per day, but often feel that I want more. And while I look a bit thinner, the scale hardly moves and I ask myself why, because I lost tons of weight on this amount of food before.